Saturday, July 11, 2009

Reasons "Blackest Night" Will Be Bad

The first issue of "The Blackest Night" goes on sale next week, and I have to say I'm looking forward to it. I plan to actually collect this crossover so I might join in some online discussion as it goes for once and finally have something to test out a nice 30-issue bind on. Now, there are a lot of reasons that this will be a good book: it's a superhero/zombie/space opera epic that one of DC's big names has been working towards for years (and not in a bullshit Secret Invasion way).

However, there are lots of reasons why it might be really, really bad as well. Remember, Geoff Johns wrote the trainwreck that was Infinite Crisis, in which he symbolically and literally tried to kill all sense of whimsy in the DC universe. Furthermore, "Green Lantern: Rebirth" was a six issue retcon explanation no matter how hard the writing tried to pound it into a coherent narrative or how much the content introduced has been used since. However, he's gotten better since then. His old Flash and JSA were good, and "Legion of 3 Worlds" has been FANTASTIC (if a huge wank-off to HIS version of the Legion no others count goddamit). In the end, he's definitely got more hits than misses.

But for now, let's focus on his other seminal work, the second part of his "Green Lantern trilogy", "The Sinestro Corps War." Pretty much everyone loved it, while I found it fairly good. It does have a solid narrative base, but there are a lot of little problems that add up to drag it down for me. By far my biggest pet peeve is, well... try to guess for yourself:



Now, I get it. The classic GL mythos has Hal Jordan being "honest and fearless" and "one who can overcome great fear" but good god man, that doesn't preclude you from using synonyms!

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Gah! It really makes the dialogue feel stilted and forced. They just have to slam home that they're fighting FEAR. Their enemies wield the power of FEAR. They need to overcome their collective FEAR. We get it! It's even more jarring when you get to exchanges like this:

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That's one of like three times that he doesn't resort to his old standby. I want to believe that some editor decided to risk alienating their big money-maker when he wanted to write "fear-motivated mini riot."

And while we're on the subject, as I was slicing up that fear montage (for hours, to entertain one person, hope you're happy) I remembered the second thing about the storyline that irked me: the moments that stood out in their ridiculousness in the series about alien space cops with magic rings fighting counterpart-Supermen-cyborg parasites that run on the power of being scary. These are just the things I gleaned from the first THREE issues mind you; if I had taken every fear reference from the whole series that montage would be six times as large.

"There were rumored acts of fascism, excessive violence and, worse yet, instilling across his own planet."

Now, the fear thing is bad. But I'd worry more about the fascist government and the excessive violence. That's just me. I think I'd focus on those two first, and in the meantime I'd DEAL with being scared.

"I never believed in fear. Not before I came face-to-face with Parallax."

Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. Hal Jordan never believed in fear? As in "I don't believe in leprechauns" believe? What the... how does that work? Did he not get when he saw people react to scary things, which he would see quite often in his job of space cop superhero? Is he literally missing the flight or fight response? That's not courageous, dude; that's a mental illness.



I think it'd be "AHHH! AHHHH! AHHHHHH! I'm being strangled by a space monster! Oh my god! Shoot it! Shoot it! AHHHHHH!"

Now here's where I get worried about Blackest Night. Recently it's been revealed that there's an entire "emotional electromagnetic spectrum" that will be harnessed by seven corps, wielding the lights of red rage, orange avarice, yellow fear, green willpower, blue hope, indigo compassion, and violet love. You know what the means? I hope you like reading the words "rage," "avarice," "fear," "willpower," "hope," "compassion," and "love." I expect the "war of light" to look something like this:



...I might have gone of on a tangent with some of those bubbles, but you get the general idea. Hopefully Johns will be able to hold back and just give me a good goddamn zombie/cape story. Guess we'll find out on Wednesday.

Monday, July 6, 2009

EGM's Top 100

Here's the list of EGM's 100 best games from their (well-worn) 150th issue. Games were cut off at October 31, 2001, so there are very few PS2 games and no Xbox and Gamecube; it pretty much covers the entire library from Dreamcast down, which is the gaming generation I grew up with and am most fond of, which may be why I like it so much. Here we go:

* = I own this in the original format
** = I own this in some kind of other format
*** = We can get some version of this (not neccesarily original format) for ten bucks or less

100. Decathlete* (Saturn)
99. Wipeout XL (Playstation)
98. Quake III Arena* (Dreamcast)
97. Mario Golf*** (Game Boy Color)
96. Phantasy Star (Master System)
95. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (NES)
94. Baseball Stars (NES)
93. Super Smash Bros.*** (N64)
92. Ice Hockey* (NES)
91. Final Fantasy VII (Playstation)
90. Resident Evil (Playstation)
89. Dragon Warrior IV (NES)
88. Virtua Tennis* (Dreamcast)
87. Sega Rally 2* (Dreamcast)
86. Actraiser*** (SNES)
85. F-Zero X* (N64)
84. Samurai Shodown II*** (Neo Geo)
83. Daytona USA* (Dreamcast)
82. Kirby's Avalanche / Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine* (SNES/Genny)
81. Ape Escape (Playstation)
80. Skies of Arcadia (Dreamcast)
79. Mario Kart 64*** (N64)
78. Star Fox* (SNES)
77. Metal Gear Solid (GBC)
76. Sonic the Hedgehog 2* (Genesis)
75. Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete (Playstation)
74. Shining Force III (Saturn)
73. The Revenge of Shinobi* (Genesis)
72. Advance Wars (GBA)
71. Phantasy Star II** (Genesis)
70. Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos*** (NES)
69. (Dude) Metroid* (NES)
68. Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts** (SNES)
67. Street Fighter Alpha 3 (Playstation/Dreamcast)
66. Donkey Kong* (Gameboy)
65. Perfect Dark* (N64)
64. Mega Man II** (NES)
63. R-Type (R-Types version) (Playstation)
62. Resident Evil 2 (Playstation)
61. NiGHTS* (Saturn)
60. Super Mario RPG (SNES) Should be no. 1 amirite
59. Virtua Fighter 2* (Saturn)
58. Sonic the Hedgehog* (Genesis)
57. Final Fantasy IX (Playstation)
56. Landstalker*** (Genesis)
55. The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX* (GBC)
54. Devil's Crush*** (TG-16)
53. Super Punch-Out!!* (SNES)
54. Herzog Zwei* (Genesis)
51. Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse*** (NES)
50. Guardian Heroes (Saturn)
49. Contra* (NES)
48. Paper Mario*** (N64)
47. Panzer Dragoon II: Zwei* (Saturn)
46. Pokemon Gold/Silver*/Crystal (GBC)
45. Phantasy Star Online Ver. 2 (Dreamcast)
44. Super Mario Kart (SNES)
43. Final Fantasy Tactics (Playstation)
42. Contra III: The Alien Wars*** (SNES)
41. Ms. Pac-Man
40. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (GBC)
39. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages (GBC)
38. R-Type Delta (Playstation)
37. Resident Evil Code: Veronica X (PS2)
36. Chrono Cross (Playstation)
35. Castlevania: Circle of the Moon*** (GBA)
34. Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!* (NES)
33. Saturn Bomberman (Saturn)
32. NCAA Football 2002*** (PS2)
31. Madden NFL 2002*** (PS2)
30. Street Fighter III: Third Strike* (Dreamcast)
29. Super Mario Bros. 2 (All-Stars Edition)* (SNES)
28. Hot Shots Golf 2 (Playstation)
27. Sonic CD*** (Sega CD)
26. Chrono Trigger** (SNES)
25. The Legend of Zelda* (NES)
24. Super Castlevania IV*** (SNES)
23. Gunstar Heroes* (Genesis)
22. Super Mario Bros. (All-Stars Edition)* (SNES)
21. Dragon Force (Saturn)
20. Galaga
19. Panzer Dragoon Saga (Saturn)
18. Pokemon Puzzle League* (N64)
17. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 (Playstation)
16. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island** (SNES)
15. Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec* (PS2)
14. Metal Gear Solid* (Playstation)
13. Street Fighter II: Hyper Fighting (SNES)
12. Final Fantasy V (FF Anthology Edition) (Playstation)
11. Super Mario Bros. 3 (All-Stars Edition)* (SNES)
10. Super Mario World* (SNES)
9. Final Fantasy III (SNES)
8. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time* (N64)
7. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask* (N64)
6. Soul Calibur* (Dreamcast)
5. Super Mario 64* (N64)
4. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (Playstation)
3. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past* (SNES)
2. Tetris
1. Super Metroid*** (SNES)

You've got a modded PSX, $35 can mod my Saturn, and Dreamcast can play burned as well. The rest we don't own we can buy or emulate, but I think we should try to stick to the original format as much as humanly possible. And we definitely need the GB Player disc.

Whatchu got?

Dude

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Not cool.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Pointless Nostalgia

Today I found a website devoted to scanning and preserving old game magazines, and downloaded a copy of the fifth issue of EGM2.

Now, my first thought: there was an EGM2? God, but for the golden age of gaming magazines. This thing is roughly 250 pages, and this is all the stuff they couldn't fit into the 250 page issue of EGM1. Last game magazine I picked up had roughly 40 pages of content in it. Ugh, I will miss the gaming mags when they inevitably die out, but if they were still publishing 250 page monsters chock full of content and mini strategy guides and features for six bucks a pop I would buy them! And I'm the only market that matters. Cater to me.

This issue was published in... god, I could go back and look, I could, but yeah... I believe 1994. The 32X is about to come out, and the cover proudly boasts coverage of Jaguar, 3DO, and CD-I games. Now, I wasn't really cognizant of the industry in 1994, being 7 and all; I just bought what the ads told me to. It's fascinating to look back. The Jag, 3DO, and CD-I were all relegated to the ash heap of gaming history, but this must have been them in their (for lack of a better term) heyday, being treated as serious contenders, with reviews, previews, strategy, and advertising galore. There's talk of Sony and Sega's 32-bit consoles, but they won't be out for a year. It's just... wow, really interesting. I've always said I want to write a book (series) on the industry, and it's clear that I could do a volume on 1994 alone if I had a stack of these things.

Now, combining the topics of young me re: the gospel truth of game advertising and the sorta-3D-halfway-between-generations 3D0, Jaguar, CD-I, and 32X, I came across this WONDERFUL Nintendo public service announcement about the dangers of buying new hardware (unless you don't own an SNES, in which case buy that).

Check it out, Pedro, THUMBNAILS:



Holy hell. You know, at E3 '09 the crowd "ooooohed" at some remark the Natal guys made about their mini-astronomicon's real gameplay as opposed to the Wii's canned motions, but christ, back in the day these companies ran fucking smear campaigns. This is a goddamn political smear campaign! So put on your best Karl Rove smugly pointing out the obvious flaws in Sega's national security agenda inner voice and let's read this thing:

First of all, what's with the NEW HARDWARE NOT NECESSARY and 16 BITS IS ENOUGH? They're like newspaper headlines but don't quite fit for me... maybe I'm just weird, but make your ad look like a newspaper or use complete sentences, goons.

Oh, and also, it's very clearly designed to look like any other article in the magazine, and I don't know if it's just a design thing or if they actually thought children would say "the editors of EGM2 make a good point!" You see this crap in real newspapers too, something like CAR DEALERSHIP HAS GREATEST DEAL EVER, and while you're thinking god, the wall street journal's not even trying anymore you see the giant ADVERTISEMENT labels undoubtedly required by law plastered all over the thing. Why didn't you see them immediately? Shut up, my example uses dream logic okay?

Now, we begin with a lot of talking about "The Next Level," saying that all of these half-breeds have promised but not delivered. Now, Jag, 3D0, fine, but they say that the Genesis promised to be the next level, and I guess wasn't? When it was released in 1989? Put Sonic 3 next to Mario 3; that's the next fucking level! That's like at least seven levels of graphics and four levels of sound more. They totally raised the level there! I don't know how they can say that that level was not the next level over their then current level when that level was clearly several levels beyond the highest level they could have obtained.

No no, Nintendo had a different strategy than to release a new console two years in that would be slaughtered by upcoming consoles that could do 3D that didn't look like Star Fox with fewer chromosomal disorders: they signed a deal with Sony, realized they didn't read their contract, and made an enemy for life that ended up beating the shit out of them for the next decade; I mean the 32X may have cost Sega $100 billion, but that's (astoundingly) nothing compared to Nintendo's blunder there. But I digress, I was going to do a tangent, thing then it went on too long... anyhow, Nintendo apparently decided to "improve today's games through new software development techniques." Of course! All the corporate heads were sitting around the table and came to that unanimous decision, "let's continue to make our SNES games look and play better." Thanks guy, there's a reason the stockholders pay you such a high salary!

Nintendo (and I realize that a guy probably wrote this, not the whole of Nintendo, shut up) goes on to say that CD-ROM games never live up to the hype, a position they would cling to for the next half decade despite all sales evidence to the contrary. It's pointed out that even with 500mb of memory you're limited to a very small amount of fmv to make crappy games out of, so instead, why not use 3D polygonal characters that can be viewed from any angle? Thus sorting out the dilemma of the superiority of cartridges forever.

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Now Nintendo just really rips into these pricks. "In fact, the most impressive numbers are the high end retail price tags of the systems" WHOOAA kitten's got claws. Then they point out that none of the systems have sold well, "it seems that game players aren't convinced the 3D0 and Jaguar represent the next level any more than the slow-selling Sega CD" DAMN Nintendo what won't you say? As a sidenote, ever notice how douchey the word "seems" makes you? It SEEMS like this guy did this hurm hurph hurm I'm so cool and calm and right hurm harm. Okay okay, moving on, here we fucking go: "as for Sega's 32X adaptor, how many games do you suppose will be made for a tacked-on system with a life expectancy of maybe a year?" Sure they turned out to be right, but at that point they had no way of knowing.

"It's simple. The Super NES has the best games in the world and it won't bankrupt you." You know, this is an awesome advertisement in its sheer jerkassitude (that Sega started by the way, I ain't playing favorites), but god that is easily the best line. Hey assholes, we cost less and check out our bitching game that looks better than everything those douchebags are doing. This is the one point where if you were buying one of those consoles over a Super NES Nintendo was allowed to call you out as a fucking idiot, and history completely vindicated them.

Ah well. I need to get more of these magazines, I love this crap. Yeup, DKC was a huge market crusher and Nintendo had two sequels made, crushing the 16-bit market with huge profits for the next and last two years of 16-bit profitability before moving to the N64, while every other console on the market at the time died. Everything in this ad turned out to be 100% true. I wish they had the balls to produce more smear campaign ads in this day and age, though as they wouldn't work as pop-ups I doubt they ever will.

Oh and also, apparently Star Control 2 came out for the 3D0. I wonder how much they run for on ebay...