Comic Reviews!

Hey, I read some comics recently.

First off, "Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds." I'd read an issue or two of the series while it was coming out and it was pretty good, Perez drawing big armies of detailed characters beating each other and Johns at his most fun and least obnoxious. I'd decided to grab the new softcover as a little present to myself after finals, and I could not read it at all.

Because the paper smelled.

This has never happened to me before. Something about the paper, or the ink, or something gave the trade this acrid, near piss-like smell, and I could literally not sit down with that thing in my lap for any extended period of time. I know! I had to return it, and somehow the comic store employees didn't give me any weird looks. I took a sniff of the other copy they had, and it was the same deal, so it probably wasn't just my copy. In short, if you're thinking of buying the trade, the story's great, but read it for ten minutes and see if the smell is too distracting.

Second book I read was "Superman: Earth One." The back cover calls it "A Man of Steel for a new generation," and if that's not just marketing hyperbole then the value system of this new generation is very depressing to me. I mean, I don't HATE it per se, unlike some people, but it's nothing more than mediocre, with a lot of dialogue that sounds good on first read but doesn't really make much sense (if THAT makes any sense).

But the worst part of the book is that Clark Kent DOESN'T WANT TO BE SUPERMAN. He only does it because he's guilt-tripped by the memory of his dead father. I'm serious, it's not his idea, he's pushed into the role by his overbearing parents.

He begins the story interviewing with football teams, scientific institutions, and whatnot and getting tons of offers because he's, y'know, Superman, and I'd assume he'd be interested in getting those jobs because he already knows he can be a championship quarterback without having to wreck a defensive line's shit to prove it to himself. Being Superman means he gives up those career opportunities, unless he wants to only save people on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. He's also seen moping around on the streets and in flashbacks, staring at all the happy people in cafe windows and whatnot, because his powers make him feel soooo alienated (though he talks to several people who are, y'know, general human being nice to him, so I'm not seeing this as anything but a big head trip for him). It's not like being Superman helps him with that problem either, because at best he has to do the mild-mannered act and gets ditched when the rest of the gang goes to the bar anyway.

Later, a bunch of alien invaders show up looking for the last surviving kryptonian, and state on the air that their plan is to kill a few million people to drive him out of hiding. Even then, with thousands of people dying and Metropolis a warzone, even THEN it takes Clark Kent like 30 pages before he finally goes and fights the aliens. Even when he's the only person that can possibly do it, he just DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT.

Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. If I had kryptonian powers I'd at best be selfish and at worst be the new sovereign lord of the earth, but that's not what Superman does. I know there are a variety of approaches to Superman's motivation, but most of them center around the fact that he's an altruistic person who wants to use his abilities to help people while still maintaining some semblance of a private life. In this case, Clark Kent himself doesn't personally care that much. It's all his parents pushing him into it.

And even then, they're not doing it well. While they're planning his future for him in a flashback, Clark asks why he just can't wear a mask. They tell him no, people won't trust you, you'll have to wear your mask all the rest of the time. Know what? FUCK THAT. Wear your mask while you're saving those villages from the landslide Clark, who gives a FUCK, and in the meantime go get your dream job and be yourself. There is NO good goddamn reason they're making Clark do what he does, and Clark has no good goddamned reason for not doing what he wants to do.

Oh, and the best thing? After he saves the Earth in his trusted, mask-free glory, the people of Metropolis STILL DON'T TRUST HIM. Because a guy with god-powers flying around punching aliens is scary, mask or not! There's even this hilarious scene: Clark's caught under a red sun ray, and all these people are standing around on the outside saying "eh, I'm not gonna get him out." This is in the aforementioned war zone, with F-14s crashing in the streets and alien robots stomping on cars. One guy's even standing there with a coffee. A coffee. Did he run out and grab that between bombing runs? All so he could look EXTRA nonchalant and uncaring as he watched Superman get his ass TORTURED TO SAVE HIS WORTHLESS-ASS LIFE? Man, fuck this story.

On a final note: Hey, Konami! Where's 'The Simpons?' When are you going to port 'The Simpsons?' Why aren't you porting 'The Simpons' now? And so on. So please: port 'The Simpsons.'