I just finished reading William Tsutsui's "Godzilla on my Mind," a pretty terrific fan book about the (then) 50-year-old monster franchise. The main thrust is an attempt to decipher what exactly it is about Godzilla that makes him so appealing and long-lasting (the oldest franchise in cinema history!). It discusses the rather fascinating business history of the franchise, themes running through it, the fandom behind it, and various knockoffs and influences. Granted, those last two sections aren't up to the snuff of the first two, but overall it's a very enjoyable read, and I would recommend checking the ol' library.
This guy's enthusiasm really bleeds through; when he tells you he has loved the films with every fiber of his being since childhood, you believe him. It made me want to do two things:
The first is to watch the original Godzilla. For all of its influence, I've never actually watched the original Godzilla. Have you? Luckily, the library system has a DVD featuring the original, subtitled "Gojira" and the U.S. cut "Godzilla." It also has "King Kong," which I decided to throw in my cart because hey, classic giant monster movies. Library system's firing on all cylinders these last few days for me, with the brief letdown that they don't have a copy of "King Kong vs. Godzilla." Judging from the author's deep level of research into Godzilla fandom, almost all of them are converts at an early age and find Godzilla to be deeply nostalgic. I don't have that perspective (unless I get "nostalgic for an era in which I never lived," which in this case would be post-WW2 Japan), so I'm interested to see how I like it.
The second thought that came to mind was, do I love anything enough to write a book like this about it? I don't think I do! I have a lot of favored franchises, but none of them are all-consuming. Closest thing I can think of is "The Simpsons," but even then I think its been pretty much crap after the 9th season (where are the now? 22?). Maybe the game industry circa 1998-2002 (and I know that's not a franchise), but that's IT. It's kind of... humbling to see this level of love for a character and franchise. Not bad, mind you. Kinda nice, actually.
Also, it didn't give me enough information to decide if the Power Rangers could beat Godzilla. I'm thinking the Megazord by itself might not be up to the task, but once the Dragonzord gets in there Godzilla's getting a serious drill-tailing. Come to think of it, I guess as a child I WAS watching and loving Japanese rubber suit giant wrestling, so maybe I'll be a big fan after all. I'll letcha know.
(Oh, hey, funny story. "Gojira" is actually a combination of "whale" and "gorilla" for some reason. "Godzilla" is not any kind of literal translation, nor is it a clever title invented by a shrewd translator. As crazy as it may sound, "Godzilla" was actually just a phonetic mangling of the original name "Gojira," without anyone putting any thought into the "god of the lizards" poetry of that wonderful name. Is this why the Cloverfield monster looked kind of like a giant gorilla whale?)
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Comic Reviews!
Hey, I read some comics recently.
First off, "Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds." I'd read an issue or two of the series while it was coming out and it was pretty good, Perez drawing big armies of detailed characters beating each other and Johns at his most fun and least obnoxious. I'd decided to grab the new softcover as a little present to myself after finals, and I could not read it at all.
Because the paper smelled.
This has never happened to me before. Something about the paper, or the ink, or something gave the trade this acrid, near piss-like smell, and I could literally not sit down with that thing in my lap for any extended period of time. I know! I had to return it, and somehow the comic store employees didn't give me any weird looks. I took a sniff of the other copy they had, and it was the same deal, so it probably wasn't just my copy. In short, if you're thinking of buying the trade, the story's great, but read it for ten minutes and see if the smell is too distracting.
Second book I read was "Superman: Earth One." The back cover calls it "A Man of Steel for a new generation," and if that's not just marketing hyperbole then the value system of this new generation is very depressing to me. I mean, I don't HATE it per se, unlike some people, but it's nothing more than mediocre, with a lot of dialogue that sounds good on first read but doesn't really make much sense (if THAT makes any sense).
But the worst part of the book is that Clark Kent DOESN'T WANT TO BE SUPERMAN. He only does it because he's guilt-tripped by the memory of his dead father. I'm serious, it's not his idea, he's pushed into the role by his overbearing parents.
He begins the story interviewing with football teams, scientific institutions, and whatnot and getting tons of offers because he's, y'know, Superman, and I'd assume he'd be interested in getting those jobs because he already knows he can be a championship quarterback without having to wreck a defensive line's shit to prove it to himself. Being Superman means he gives up those career opportunities, unless he wants to only save people on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. He's also seen moping around on the streets and in flashbacks, staring at all the happy people in cafe windows and whatnot, because his powers make him feel soooo alienated (though he talks to several people who are, y'know, general human being nice to him, so I'm not seeing this as anything but a big head trip for him). It's not like being Superman helps him with that problem either, because at best he has to do the mild-mannered act and gets ditched when the rest of the gang goes to the bar anyway.
Later, a bunch of alien invaders show up looking for the last surviving kryptonian, and state on the air that their plan is to kill a few million people to drive him out of hiding. Even then, with thousands of people dying and Metropolis a warzone, even THEN it takes Clark Kent like 30 pages before he finally goes and fights the aliens. Even when he's the only person that can possibly do it, he just DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT.
Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. If I had kryptonian powers I'd at best be selfish and at worst be the new sovereign lord of the earth, but that's not what Superman does. I know there are a variety of approaches to Superman's motivation, but most of them center around the fact that he's an altruistic person who wants to use his abilities to help people while still maintaining some semblance of a private life. In this case, Clark Kent himself doesn't personally care that much. It's all his parents pushing him into it.
And even then, they're not doing it well. While they're planning his future for him in a flashback, Clark asks why he just can't wear a mask. They tell him no, people won't trust you, you'll have to wear your mask all the rest of the time. Know what? FUCK THAT. Wear your mask while you're saving those villages from the landslide Clark, who gives a FUCK, and in the meantime go get your dream job and be yourself. There is NO good goddamn reason they're making Clark do what he does, and Clark has no good goddamned reason for not doing what he wants to do.
Oh, and the best thing? After he saves the Earth in his trusted, mask-free glory, the people of Metropolis STILL DON'T TRUST HIM. Because a guy with god-powers flying around punching aliens is scary, mask or not! There's even this hilarious scene: Clark's caught under a red sun ray, and all these people are standing around on the outside saying "eh, I'm not gonna get him out." This is in the aforementioned war zone, with F-14s crashing in the streets and alien robots stomping on cars. One guy's even standing there with a coffee. A coffee. Did he run out and grab that between bombing runs? All so he could look EXTRA nonchalant and uncaring as he watched Superman get his ass TORTURED TO SAVE HIS WORTHLESS-ASS LIFE? Man, fuck this story.
On a final note: Hey, Konami! Where's 'The Simpons?' When are you going to port 'The Simpsons?' Why aren't you porting 'The Simpons' now? And so on. So please: port 'The Simpsons.'
First off, "Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds." I'd read an issue or two of the series while it was coming out and it was pretty good, Perez drawing big armies of detailed characters beating each other and Johns at his most fun and least obnoxious. I'd decided to grab the new softcover as a little present to myself after finals, and I could not read it at all.
Because the paper smelled.
This has never happened to me before. Something about the paper, or the ink, or something gave the trade this acrid, near piss-like smell, and I could literally not sit down with that thing in my lap for any extended period of time. I know! I had to return it, and somehow the comic store employees didn't give me any weird looks. I took a sniff of the other copy they had, and it was the same deal, so it probably wasn't just my copy. In short, if you're thinking of buying the trade, the story's great, but read it for ten minutes and see if the smell is too distracting.
Second book I read was "Superman: Earth One." The back cover calls it "A Man of Steel for a new generation," and if that's not just marketing hyperbole then the value system of this new generation is very depressing to me. I mean, I don't HATE it per se, unlike some people, but it's nothing more than mediocre, with a lot of dialogue that sounds good on first read but doesn't really make much sense (if THAT makes any sense).
But the worst part of the book is that Clark Kent DOESN'T WANT TO BE SUPERMAN. He only does it because he's guilt-tripped by the memory of his dead father. I'm serious, it's not his idea, he's pushed into the role by his overbearing parents.
He begins the story interviewing with football teams, scientific institutions, and whatnot and getting tons of offers because he's, y'know, Superman, and I'd assume he'd be interested in getting those jobs because he already knows he can be a championship quarterback without having to wreck a defensive line's shit to prove it to himself. Being Superman means he gives up those career opportunities, unless he wants to only save people on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. He's also seen moping around on the streets and in flashbacks, staring at all the happy people in cafe windows and whatnot, because his powers make him feel soooo alienated (though he talks to several people who are, y'know, general human being nice to him, so I'm not seeing this as anything but a big head trip for him). It's not like being Superman helps him with that problem either, because at best he has to do the mild-mannered act and gets ditched when the rest of the gang goes to the bar anyway.
Later, a bunch of alien invaders show up looking for the last surviving kryptonian, and state on the air that their plan is to kill a few million people to drive him out of hiding. Even then, with thousands of people dying and Metropolis a warzone, even THEN it takes Clark Kent like 30 pages before he finally goes and fights the aliens. Even when he's the only person that can possibly do it, he just DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT.
Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. If I had kryptonian powers I'd at best be selfish and at worst be the new sovereign lord of the earth, but that's not what Superman does. I know there are a variety of approaches to Superman's motivation, but most of them center around the fact that he's an altruistic person who wants to use his abilities to help people while still maintaining some semblance of a private life. In this case, Clark Kent himself doesn't personally care that much. It's all his parents pushing him into it.
And even then, they're not doing it well. While they're planning his future for him in a flashback, Clark asks why he just can't wear a mask. They tell him no, people won't trust you, you'll have to wear your mask all the rest of the time. Know what? FUCK THAT. Wear your mask while you're saving those villages from the landslide Clark, who gives a FUCK, and in the meantime go get your dream job and be yourself. There is NO good goddamn reason they're making Clark do what he does, and Clark has no good goddamned reason for not doing what he wants to do.
Oh, and the best thing? After he saves the Earth in his trusted, mask-free glory, the people of Metropolis STILL DON'T TRUST HIM. Because a guy with god-powers flying around punching aliens is scary, mask or not! There's even this hilarious scene: Clark's caught under a red sun ray, and all these people are standing around on the outside saying "eh, I'm not gonna get him out." This is in the aforementioned war zone, with F-14s crashing in the streets and alien robots stomping on cars. One guy's even standing there with a coffee. A coffee. Did he run out and grab that between bombing runs? All so he could look EXTRA nonchalant and uncaring as he watched Superman get his ass TORTURED TO SAVE HIS WORTHLESS-ASS LIFE? Man, fuck this story.
On a final note: Hey, Konami! Where's 'The Simpons?' When are you going to port 'The Simpsons?' Why aren't you porting 'The Simpons' now? And so on. So please: port 'The Simpsons.'
Sunday, November 28, 2010
In Related News, "Green Lantern: Rebirth" Also Sucks
Y'know, I stared writing a long, drawn-out post about how "Green Lantern: Rebirth" isn't a very good comic book, but I ran into the same problem the I had in my months long "Flash: Rebirth" post, and the never released "Secret Invasion Secret Sucks" (although that was because my 60+ scans got lost in a hard drive crash and I'll be damned if I'm going through and getting them all again). I find that I really like to complain, and I really like to read long, entertainingly-written complaints, but I don't like the amount of energy it takes to write those entertainingly-written complaints, because it is a LOT.
So, while I could point out all the plot holes, retcons, cliched dialogue, mischaracterization, obvious author favoritism, dramatic speed bumps, and overall unpleasantness, I've managed to boil down exactly what's wrong with "Green Lantern: Rebirth" into one sentence:
It changes Hal Jordan's theme song from "Highway to the Danger Zone" to Linkin Park's "Crawling."
Think about it. It fits the "Green Lantern: Rebirth" and the New Hal PERFECTLY.
There's something inside me that lurks beneath the surface/Confusing/Consuming
I've felt this way before/So insecure
Fear is how I fall/Confusing what is real
With that in mind, here's a montage of "Green Lantern: Rebirth" panels dubbed with "Crawling." The only good montage was in Spanish for some damn reason, but trust me... you don't need to know what they're squawking.
So, while I could point out all the plot holes, retcons, cliched dialogue, mischaracterization, obvious author favoritism, dramatic speed bumps, and overall unpleasantness, I've managed to boil down exactly what's wrong with "Green Lantern: Rebirth" into one sentence:
It changes Hal Jordan's theme song from "Highway to the Danger Zone" to Linkin Park's "Crawling."
Think about it. It fits the "Green Lantern: Rebirth" and the New Hal PERFECTLY.
There's something inside me that lurks beneath the surface/Confusing/Consuming
I've felt this way before/So insecure
Fear is how I fall/Confusing what is real
With that in mind, here's a montage of "Green Lantern: Rebirth" panels dubbed with "Crawling." The only good montage was in Spanish for some damn reason, but trust me... you don't need to know what they're squawking.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
CGE2010
Hey everybody. For reasons of my own, I've decided to go back and post this draft of my experience at the Classic Gaming Expo 2k10 that's been sitting in my archive for like 8 months. Enjoy!
Website: http://www.cgexpo.com/
Flickr photo set: http://www.flickr.com/photos/52607399@N05/
Forums on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=F77B3A3049328A31&playnext=1&v=HLrYCF_IiTg
===========================
This weekend I went to the Classic Gaming Expo 2010, and lemme tell you, it was a lot of fun. I posted a bunch of pictures to "flickr" here, but as for the things not pictured (mostly because I forgot to bring my goddamned camera the second day...)
-The keynotes were pretty good. The best was easily the Activision keynote, where Steve Cartwright (the man behind my favorite "Activision Anthology" games Barnstorming and Frostbite), Gary Fishback, and David Crane regaled the crowd with anecdotes. Activision apparently had the successful "Design is Law" strategy that Romero was shooting for, they were a tight-knit group of talented people who worked in the same space and were able to share and collaborate with their individual products in such a way that the quality of their work really shown. They really tried to push the bar to make better games using a lot of "tricks" in addition to their simple programming excellence. For instance, they would make and test their products on the lowest-quality piece of crap TV imaginable, with the reasoning being that if it looked good on that then it'll look great on a standard TV. Atari, on the other hand, produced all of their games using high-end Sony monitors, leading to a less polished look on a standard TV.
-At one point, Gary Fishbach recalled his decision of which company to work for: Activision or Atari. He had previously programmed at least one of the Coleco ports of Donkey Kong (oh, and if you're wondering why there are only two levels in the home version, he told management that he had maxed out space and needed a double-sized rom to put the full game in there, and they told him to jump in a lake; I actually obtained a copy of 2600 Donkey Kong at the show, but I unfortunately do not have a 2600 to play it...). Anyhow, having programmed a game, being one of only, like, 13 people on earth with game-programming experience, he could get a job no problem. Atari flies him to their office first class and says how they'll make him rich (they started a royalty program AFTER the Activision guys left the company due to their poor compensation; by the way, I recently learned that apparently consumers just pretty much bought whatever carts Atari would put out; there weren't even any screenshots on the back of the box! Thus, I can kind of see where Atari was coming from with not respecting it's programmers, if a game was going to sell regardless of quality; still kind of a dick move, and you can see why maybe that strategy wouldn't last forever?). SO ANYHOW, Activision doesn't promise big money, they're just devoted to making quality stuff. So Gary calls up Atari and says thanks, but no thanks. The guy he interviewed with is furious, he tells him don't sign anything, I'm flying out to New Jersey right now to meet you. So he does, and they fly to New York and walk right into the office of the head of Warner Communications, the company that owns Atari at this point. Office bigger than my house. Manny Gerard asks him what is it going to take to hire him, and he could have gotten, like, $5 million, easily. And he says, to the head of the company:
"I'm sorry, but I just can't work for a company that put out that piece-of-shit Pac Man cartridge."
-FINAL ANECDOTE from the Activision panel. Steve Cartwright is talking with David Crane one day, and says to him hey, why don't we make Pitafall 2? A sequel, y'know? Like in the movies! And Crane tells him "You can't make a sequel to a VIDEO GAME." Ahahahahahahaaaaa.
-The games there were a lot of fun to play. Got to play the arcade version of Berzerk for the first time, shooting robots and being chased by a meglomaniacal smiley face. Got to play Halo for the Atari 2600, which I think I liked more than regular Halo. Seriously though, they have to put that as an extra in one of the upcoming Halo games or something. Got to play R-Type on the TurboGrafx-16. Very methodical kinda space-shooter, very difficult, but absolutely fantastic. The first boss was basically one of the aliens from "Alien", but it had ANOTHER alien bursting out of it's chest. The second level took place in a giant spleen and had six-legged giant zombie maggot things crawling around, it RULED. Unfortunately it had replaced Splatterhouse, the other game that looked like it ruled when I walked by on Saturday. How did they manage that section by the way? Bet I could do it better, tell you the truth... Oh, also got to play Pitfall (which is damned harder with the Atari joystick), Empire Strikes Back (a weird kinda Defender variant, but good), and Pac-Man (completely and totally terrible) on the 2600. Finally, Sunset Riders on the Genesis! A game where you basically just walk around dispensing western justice left and right, while visiting brothels for power-ups. The first player character wore blue and got double pistols, the second wore pink and got double shotguns. You want those double shotguns, but is it worth it to wear pink? Hell yeah it's worth it!
-Entered a contest to win the big 3 classic systems (2600, Intellivision, and Colecovision). Don't think I did win, they would have contacted me by now, right...? Anyhow, they guy there had the GREATEST GAMING SHIRT ever, it was all of the 8-bit Megaman Robot Masters lined up in one big 8-by-8 grid. I also gotta say: those old consoles are SNAZZY looking, especially the Intellivision with gold trim and all, just sharp as hell.
-I must mention the Specialty Gamer booth, where I ended up spending something like $120 or so. Bought a Saturn lightgun, Virtua Cop 2, and Japanese House of the Dead for $30. Unfortunately, as I arrived, someone was already purchasing the $20 copy of Marvel vs. Street Fighter! DAMN YOUUUUUU! Seriously, next time I've gotta check Saturn imports first out of the gate. My bro bought Dragon Warrior (with instructions and coverslip thing), and Pedro had me lend him the money to buy two games from his childhood: Beavis and Butthead, and Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City for the SNES. We played them later; B&B is pretty mediocre and really difficult, but it is co-op. Michael Jordan has seperate buttons for jumping and dunking, so it's basically the greatest game ever. Seriously, anything you could want at this booth, and really good prices. Boxed N64, NES, and SNES games; I had not idea such things even existed, I thought only the Genesis had durable enough boxes to survive the... two decades since production.
-Seriously, I think I need to buy a TurboGrafx-16. The two games I saw there totally rocked. However, the games are six bucks on the virtual console, so can I REALLY justify the extra expense...? Yes. Yes I can.
Website: http://www.cgexpo.com/
Flickr photo set: http://www.flickr.com/photos/52607399@N05/
Forums on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=F77B3A3049328A31&playnext=1&v=HLrYCF_IiTg
===========================
This weekend I went to the Classic Gaming Expo 2010, and lemme tell you, it was a lot of fun. I posted a bunch of pictures to "flickr" here, but as for the things not pictured (mostly because I forgot to bring my goddamned camera the second day...)
-The keynotes were pretty good. The best was easily the Activision keynote, where Steve Cartwright (the man behind my favorite "Activision Anthology" games Barnstorming and Frostbite), Gary Fishback, and David Crane regaled the crowd with anecdotes. Activision apparently had the successful "Design is Law" strategy that Romero was shooting for, they were a tight-knit group of talented people who worked in the same space and were able to share and collaborate with their individual products in such a way that the quality of their work really shown. They really tried to push the bar to make better games using a lot of "tricks" in addition to their simple programming excellence. For instance, they would make and test their products on the lowest-quality piece of crap TV imaginable, with the reasoning being that if it looked good on that then it'll look great on a standard TV. Atari, on the other hand, produced all of their games using high-end Sony monitors, leading to a less polished look on a standard TV.
-At one point, Gary Fishbach recalled his decision of which company to work for: Activision or Atari. He had previously programmed at least one of the Coleco ports of Donkey Kong (oh, and if you're wondering why there are only two levels in the home version, he told management that he had maxed out space and needed a double-sized rom to put the full game in there, and they told him to jump in a lake; I actually obtained a copy of 2600 Donkey Kong at the show, but I unfortunately do not have a 2600 to play it...). Anyhow, having programmed a game, being one of only, like, 13 people on earth with game-programming experience, he could get a job no problem. Atari flies him to their office first class and says how they'll make him rich (they started a royalty program AFTER the Activision guys left the company due to their poor compensation; by the way, I recently learned that apparently consumers just pretty much bought whatever carts Atari would put out; there weren't even any screenshots on the back of the box! Thus, I can kind of see where Atari was coming from with not respecting it's programmers, if a game was going to sell regardless of quality; still kind of a dick move, and you can see why maybe that strategy wouldn't last forever?). SO ANYHOW, Activision doesn't promise big money, they're just devoted to making quality stuff. So Gary calls up Atari and says thanks, but no thanks. The guy he interviewed with is furious, he tells him don't sign anything, I'm flying out to New Jersey right now to meet you. So he does, and they fly to New York and walk right into the office of the head of Warner Communications, the company that owns Atari at this point. Office bigger than my house. Manny Gerard asks him what is it going to take to hire him, and he could have gotten, like, $5 million, easily. And he says, to the head of the company:
"I'm sorry, but I just can't work for a company that put out that piece-of-shit Pac Man cartridge."
-FINAL ANECDOTE from the Activision panel. Steve Cartwright is talking with David Crane one day, and says to him hey, why don't we make Pitafall 2? A sequel, y'know? Like in the movies! And Crane tells him "You can't make a sequel to a VIDEO GAME." Ahahahahahahaaaaa.
-The games there were a lot of fun to play. Got to play the arcade version of Berzerk for the first time, shooting robots and being chased by a meglomaniacal smiley face. Got to play Halo for the Atari 2600, which I think I liked more than regular Halo. Seriously though, they have to put that as an extra in one of the upcoming Halo games or something. Got to play R-Type on the TurboGrafx-16. Very methodical kinda space-shooter, very difficult, but absolutely fantastic. The first boss was basically one of the aliens from "Alien", but it had ANOTHER alien bursting out of it's chest. The second level took place in a giant spleen and had six-legged giant zombie maggot things crawling around, it RULED. Unfortunately it had replaced Splatterhouse, the other game that looked like it ruled when I walked by on Saturday. How did they manage that section by the way? Bet I could do it better, tell you the truth... Oh, also got to play Pitfall (which is damned harder with the Atari joystick), Empire Strikes Back (a weird kinda Defender variant, but good), and Pac-Man (completely and totally terrible) on the 2600. Finally, Sunset Riders on the Genesis! A game where you basically just walk around dispensing western justice left and right, while visiting brothels for power-ups. The first player character wore blue and got double pistols, the second wore pink and got double shotguns. You want those double shotguns, but is it worth it to wear pink? Hell yeah it's worth it!
-Entered a contest to win the big 3 classic systems (2600, Intellivision, and Colecovision). Don't think I did win, they would have contacted me by now, right...? Anyhow, they guy there had the GREATEST GAMING SHIRT ever, it was all of the 8-bit Megaman Robot Masters lined up in one big 8-by-8 grid. I also gotta say: those old consoles are SNAZZY looking, especially the Intellivision with gold trim and all, just sharp as hell.
-I must mention the Specialty Gamer booth, where I ended up spending something like $120 or so. Bought a Saturn lightgun, Virtua Cop 2, and Japanese House of the Dead for $30. Unfortunately, as I arrived, someone was already purchasing the $20 copy of Marvel vs. Street Fighter! DAMN YOUUUUUU! Seriously, next time I've gotta check Saturn imports first out of the gate. My bro bought Dragon Warrior (with instructions and coverslip thing), and Pedro had me lend him the money to buy two games from his childhood: Beavis and Butthead, and Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City for the SNES. We played them later; B&B is pretty mediocre and really difficult, but it is co-op. Michael Jordan has seperate buttons for jumping and dunking, so it's basically the greatest game ever. Seriously, anything you could want at this booth, and really good prices. Boxed N64, NES, and SNES games; I had not idea such things even existed, I thought only the Genesis had durable enough boxes to survive the... two decades since production.
-Seriously, I think I need to buy a TurboGrafx-16. The two games I saw there totally rocked. However, the games are six bucks on the virtual console, so can I REALLY justify the extra expense...? Yes. Yes I can.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
How The Hell...
...Did "The King of Kong" not feature Cypress Hill's "Rise Up?" I mean... how can we, as a society, condone that oversight?
What I Read: Venom: THE MADNESS #3
Alright, hot on the heels of the surprisingly entertaining Venom 2-parter is a different Venom miniseries, "The Madness." You may be wondering why all the minseries...es. Y'see, instead of giving Venom his own series, Marvel just gave him miniseries after miniseries, the next beginning the month after the last ended, so he essentially had an uninterrupted 50-or-so issue solo series. This particular miniseries takes place before the one I looked at previously, so expect plenty of insane, unsympathetic, wanton carnage! LET'S GOOOOOOOOO
Venom: The Madness
"Part 3 of 3: NECROMANCER"
Written by Ann Nocenti
Penciled by Kelley Jones
Inked by J. Beatty, A. Milgrom, and K. Williams (awww hell)
Look at that cover. Venom's fighting the Juggernaut. RAAAAAAD. Heh, look at Venom's face in the upper left corner. Think he just sat on his nuts.
This is written by Ann Nocenti; she's a bit obscure, but she did a run on Daredevil after Frank Miller that apparently rivaled it in fantasticness, but nobody remembers it. I've read a few of her books, they're pretty good, so... might it be we'll have two relatively well-written 90s Venom comics in a row...?
Okay, so on the first page, Ghost Rider is ramming his bike into Venom's spine (at least I think that's what's happening, the art doesn't really convey a "slam" per se, and it's kind of hard to place the physics of a motorcycle lifting and carrying the Orca whale-sized Venom). He welcomes him to the REALM OF INSANITY, a place everyone visits at least a little bit when they lapse into insanity, but Venom's so much craaaaazier than usual that he's going to be trapped here for the rest of his life. Venom's got the kind of smile I imagine you'd get from seeing a cheeseburger for the first time in 20 years, so he may have a point.
"By the way, they call me Necromancer because I get off on killing!" I'm into pee, myself. Necromancer just swiped Ghost Rider's look because he rides through all the time and doesn't pick up hitchhikers. Venom argues with himself in various different fonts. A green-cloaked dude named Paranoia shows up and shoots bats at him, and Venom tries to convince him that he's not paranoid dammit, and he wonders why people are always, ALWAYS thinking that.
Back in San Francisco, Juggernaut is on the phone, really pissed off at his employer for making him sit still and guard the girl he kidnapped. He says he doesn't mind the work, unless he sits still and thinks about it. The girl tries to start a friendly conversation about how he's more than just hired muscle, but whatever let's just watch TV. The girl explains that she's sorta-kinda Venom's girlfriend, but she's worried that he's got a lot of problems, with the alien suit in his brain and all. Also he apparently fell into a toxic pit and got some kind of living virus that's driving him even crazier than usual. Damn, that's just the luck, isn't it?
Juggernaut says she's very nice, being sympathetic to ol' Venom even after he murdered a janitor for a corporation that she was suing. Her case is that they're using viruses to drive their employees mad, but I don't think there's any proof of THAT. The janitor was sitting in the president of the corporation's chair, and she had told Venom that the president was evil so... that sucks. Juggernaut tries to cheer her up by saying he's not COMPLETELY sure it was Venom who did the murdering. I'm liking Juggy here. OH MY GOD THE GOOD VENOM STREAK IS CONTINUING.
Paranoia keeps messing with Venom with snakes and bats and the like, but Venom grows claws and stabs him. That'll do it. Wait, so... apparently the morphing claws is part of the virus (that's one cool virus) though I'm pretty sure he could make all kindsa claws and spikes before. Also I think, like, the virus itself is talking to the suit and Brock is asleep or something? Crap. Anyhow, Ghost Rider shows back up and punches him in the face.
HAY ANYONE WANT TO BUY SOME WILLIAM SHATNER'S TEKWORLD TRADING CARDS?!?
Venom starts pounding him as the art goes to hell. His lower jaw is protruding out a good foot past his forehead, but it's not altogether unattractive, just exaggerated. A Morbius-looking guy named Dusk shows up, apparently he's the head honcho. He sends demonic versions of Spider-Man and Wolverine to fight him. Spidey makes sense, but Wolverine? Have they ever even met? Venom kinda goes even crazier or something and says he can turn being mad off like a lightswitch. Dusk says if he were sane the realm would have destroyed him (and also you can't go INTO the realm, but whatever), but by cleverly going insane he beat it, but he'll be back! Or something. Whatever, go fight Juggernaut.
In underground San Francisco, a homeless guy is sad because he told Venom he should kill the president of Evil Virus Corp. Oh well, whatcha gonna do. Back above ground, Venom's gf (and no, I don't know her name) is wondering who's at fault, the crazy guy with the virus making him crazier or the girl who offhandedly mentioned that some sleazy CEO was evil. Neither, stupid! The news reports that they found the big vats of mercury poisoning, so they're looking for the CEO and the kidnapped girl. Juggernaut's pissed because now he won't get paid, and the girl says she's sorry awwwwwwww.
The police have found Juggernaut (since he's 14 feet tall, wearing a costume, and standing in front of an open window), but the cops aren't really eager to go in and arrest him because he's bulletproof and what have you. Venom busts in and kicks Juggernaut in the head a bit, at which point he says he's not getting paid nearly enough for this shit and busts out through a wall. The gf stops him from going after him; she's one of those Leslie Thompkins pacifist types.
CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE AVENGERS IS COMING TO SNES! MUST BUY!
Eddie's gf says that she forgives him but can't be intimate with him anymore, because when he gets riled up he gets a bit... homicidal. Venom initially get's all CRAZY PISSED but she sternly tells him to control himself, and he does. She says he's losing a gf, but gaining the best friend he ever had uggghhhhh. No, but actually it's pretty sweet.
The synopsis for Hulk #413 is "Hullllllk... Innnn... Spaaaaaace!" Sold.
Eddie goes back to the toxic waste pit and pushes the cancerous living virus out of his pores. He says if they ever want to hang again to just give him a call, but I don't think that can work really. In 30 days we can read Venom: The Enemy Within #1 with a glow-in-the-dark cover. Neat. Though if it still glows 17 years later I'll be impressed.
According to one letter writer, Venom is the man of the nineties.
Well, that kinda sucked. That's all the Venom, folks! My last of the five random Batman #700 replacement back issues has Thanos on the cover though, so you know it's good!
Venom: The Madness
"Part 3 of 3: NECROMANCER"
Written by Ann Nocenti
Penciled by Kelley Jones
Inked by J. Beatty, A. Milgrom, and K. Williams (awww hell)
Look at that cover. Venom's fighting the Juggernaut. RAAAAAAD. Heh, look at Venom's face in the upper left corner. Think he just sat on his nuts.
This is written by Ann Nocenti; she's a bit obscure, but she did a run on Daredevil after Frank Miller that apparently rivaled it in fantasticness, but nobody remembers it. I've read a few of her books, they're pretty good, so... might it be we'll have two relatively well-written 90s Venom comics in a row...?
Okay, so on the first page, Ghost Rider is ramming his bike into Venom's spine (at least I think that's what's happening, the art doesn't really convey a "slam" per se, and it's kind of hard to place the physics of a motorcycle lifting and carrying the Orca whale-sized Venom). He welcomes him to the REALM OF INSANITY, a place everyone visits at least a little bit when they lapse into insanity, but Venom's so much craaaaazier than usual that he's going to be trapped here for the rest of his life. Venom's got the kind of smile I imagine you'd get from seeing a cheeseburger for the first time in 20 years, so he may have a point.
"By the way, they call me Necromancer because I get off on killing!" I'm into pee, myself. Necromancer just swiped Ghost Rider's look because he rides through all the time and doesn't pick up hitchhikers. Venom argues with himself in various different fonts. A green-cloaked dude named Paranoia shows up and shoots bats at him, and Venom tries to convince him that he's not paranoid dammit, and he wonders why people are always, ALWAYS thinking that.
Back in San Francisco, Juggernaut is on the phone, really pissed off at his employer for making him sit still and guard the girl he kidnapped. He says he doesn't mind the work, unless he sits still and thinks about it. The girl tries to start a friendly conversation about how he's more than just hired muscle, but whatever let's just watch TV. The girl explains that she's sorta-kinda Venom's girlfriend, but she's worried that he's got a lot of problems, with the alien suit in his brain and all. Also he apparently fell into a toxic pit and got some kind of living virus that's driving him even crazier than usual. Damn, that's just the luck, isn't it?
Juggernaut says she's very nice, being sympathetic to ol' Venom even after he murdered a janitor for a corporation that she was suing. Her case is that they're using viruses to drive their employees mad, but I don't think there's any proof of THAT. The janitor was sitting in the president of the corporation's chair, and she had told Venom that the president was evil so... that sucks. Juggernaut tries to cheer her up by saying he's not COMPLETELY sure it was Venom who did the murdering. I'm liking Juggy here. OH MY GOD THE GOOD VENOM STREAK IS CONTINUING.
Paranoia keeps messing with Venom with snakes and bats and the like, but Venom grows claws and stabs him. That'll do it. Wait, so... apparently the morphing claws is part of the virus (that's one cool virus) though I'm pretty sure he could make all kindsa claws and spikes before. Also I think, like, the virus itself is talking to the suit and Brock is asleep or something? Crap. Anyhow, Ghost Rider shows back up and punches him in the face.
HAY ANYONE WANT TO BUY SOME WILLIAM SHATNER'S TEKWORLD TRADING CARDS?!?
Venom starts pounding him as the art goes to hell. His lower jaw is protruding out a good foot past his forehead, but it's not altogether unattractive, just exaggerated. A Morbius-looking guy named Dusk shows up, apparently he's the head honcho. He sends demonic versions of Spider-Man and Wolverine to fight him. Spidey makes sense, but Wolverine? Have they ever even met? Venom kinda goes even crazier or something and says he can turn being mad off like a lightswitch. Dusk says if he were sane the realm would have destroyed him (and also you can't go INTO the realm, but whatever), but by cleverly going insane he beat it, but he'll be back! Or something. Whatever, go fight Juggernaut.
In underground San Francisco, a homeless guy is sad because he told Venom he should kill the president of Evil Virus Corp. Oh well, whatcha gonna do. Back above ground, Venom's gf (and no, I don't know her name) is wondering who's at fault, the crazy guy with the virus making him crazier or the girl who offhandedly mentioned that some sleazy CEO was evil. Neither, stupid! The news reports that they found the big vats of mercury poisoning, so they're looking for the CEO and the kidnapped girl. Juggernaut's pissed because now he won't get paid, and the girl says she's sorry awwwwwwww.
The police have found Juggernaut (since he's 14 feet tall, wearing a costume, and standing in front of an open window), but the cops aren't really eager to go in and arrest him because he's bulletproof and what have you. Venom busts in and kicks Juggernaut in the head a bit, at which point he says he's not getting paid nearly enough for this shit and busts out through a wall. The gf stops him from going after him; she's one of those Leslie Thompkins pacifist types.
CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE AVENGERS IS COMING TO SNES! MUST BUY!
Eddie's gf says that she forgives him but can't be intimate with him anymore, because when he gets riled up he gets a bit... homicidal. Venom initially get's all CRAZY PISSED but she sternly tells him to control himself, and he does. She says he's losing a gf, but gaining the best friend he ever had uggghhhhh. No, but actually it's pretty sweet.
The synopsis for Hulk #413 is "Hullllllk... Innnn... Spaaaaaace!" Sold.
Eddie goes back to the toxic waste pit and pushes the cancerous living virus out of his pores. He says if they ever want to hang again to just give him a call, but I don't think that can work really. In 30 days we can read Venom: The Enemy Within #1 with a glow-in-the-dark cover. Neat. Though if it still glows 17 years later I'll be impressed.
According to one letter writer, Venom is the man of the nineties.
Well, that kinda sucked. That's all the Venom, folks! My last of the five random Batman #700 replacement back issues has Thanos on the cover though, so you know it's good!
Friday, July 23, 2010
What I Read: Venom: Separation Anxiety #2
When last we left our hero, Eddie Brock's personal situation matched up surprisingly well with the Goo Goo Dolls' "Amigone." Let's see what happens next!
Cover shows the symbiote smashing out of it's cage. Can a liquid "smash"? BUT WHERE IS EDDIE BROCK?
I see clearsil was still playing on my insecurities back in 1994. Here to restore your social life to it's FORMER! GLORYYYYY!
Venom: Separation Anxiety
"Part 2 of 4: Lost Souls"
Written by Howard Mackie
Penciled by Ron Randall
The symbiote is still in his tank, in "devastating" pain because he's not with Eddie. They have a weird kinda bromance going on, don't they? It screams so loud guards hear it for miles. It starts pressing a tendril to the glass, which beings slowly cracking... uh oh... UH OH oh hold on there's a scene transition.
Eddie's unconscious somewhere, dreaming of his asshole deeds. He wakes up and immediately starts trying to kick some symbiote ass again, but the others subdue him. They broke him out of prison because they want his help understanding their own symbiotes. Wouldn't it have been better to wait for the scientists to finish researching him then...?
Brock's all sad. His symbiote's gone, he can't help them, leave me alone. Hot red/yellow symbiote who still doesn't have a name insists they're decent people, despite the assaults and treason. She looks a lot better with her "mask" retracted, but that might just be because I am totally gay for comic characters not wearing their masks.
RIDDLE TIME! What do you do when you see a fire-breathing, skateboarding, karate-kicking, out-of-control dinosaur coming at you? Uh, call poison control? Radical Rex is apparently the "raddest, baddest fire-breathing T-Rex ever to shred prehistoric pavement" and is out to "save the dinosaur race." I'm not hopeful about that one, friend. God dammit Sonic the Hedgehog, this is your fault.
Then Bullpens Bulletins. That's kind of early in the book, dudes. There's a "match the character to the phrase game," and who the HELL's catchphrase is "What the shock?" or "Argon's Genes?" Though I do love "Don't yield! Back SHIELD!" I don't think I've ever heard Nick Fury say that, but I can totally see him saying that. In the "Now on Sale" box we see that Venom: Separation Anxiety #3 is available as of this moment (weird), and Wolverine #89's synopsis is "Hey, Ghost Rider - quit hogging the road!" I hope this is the issue where Wolverine's driving the speed limit, and Ghost Rider goes around him then cuts in front of him and there's NO COPS around and once again someone breaks the rules and gets ahead without retribution and Wolverine says that is ENOUGH and stabs him right through the scrotum.
Red and yellow girl whose name we STILL DON'T KNOW talks about how they agreed to join the "Life Foundation" and join with alien symbiotes because with a name like that, how could they be evil? Apparently the Life Foundation's plans were "in conflict with our own value systems" (so like, pro-gay marriage conflict or baby-raping conflict?) so they fled. Their symbiotes are still young and immature (and probably freaked to hell and back about not growing up on Zarlon V or wherever the hell symbiotes live), and they need Brock's help to understand them. Um, if you'd have just surrendered to the government guards back there, they could separate you and study the hell out of them, but treason works too.
Brock tells them to go to hell, cold-cocks the bitch, and tries to escape. "Carl" grabs him, and says he's done reasoning with him, and I guess they're going to force him to tutor them? Eddie just laughs at him. This series is really winning me over to Brock, guys.
Back in the facility we left like 9 pages ago, the symbiote's escaped and slaughtered everyone. Dr. Zwerling is still alive, so they medevac him away in a chopper. As you can probably guess, the symbiote is hiding inside the doctor (ewwww) and takes over the chopper. "Coming. Eddie." it thinks. Hm.
The other symbiotes restrain Carl, and tell him to control his other. Are all symbiotes all violent? I thought they were intelligent beings, and generally they go around enslaving planets and stuff. Huh, oh well. Carl "sucks" his symbiote back in; his friends are very encouraging about his breakthrough, but Eddie just keeps making fun of him. Ahahahahahaha faggot. Donna (oh, red and yellow is named Donna) very maturely tells him not to make fun of them, as they're really trying very hard not to kill everybody. I like these guys. Brock calls her a faggot. I like Brock too!
SHAQ-FU AD! But who would pick the non-Shaq characters in a fighting game called Shaq-Fu?
Brock is thrown into a pit, and sees a shadowy figure. He monologues that he has to kill all symbiotes, but it's just Kenny. He tries to get an interview. WHATTA SCOOP.
The symbiotes are fed up, trying to think of some way to make Brock help them. Hey, guys... when he had his costume, he pretty much did crazy homicidal things 24/7, I don't know why he's the expert in teaching you how not to do that.
Kenny's asking Brock all kindsa questions, but he tells him to shut up. He can feel his other coming, and he's getting a crazy person smile. Wuh-oh. He's going to fall right off the wagon!
Soldiers find the downed helicopter, everyone dead. Bummer. See ya next issue!
The letter writers have basically just started writing directly to Venom, bypassing the writers entirely.
MORTAL KOMBAT II!
YOU WILL DIE
YOU WILL DIE
FRIENDSHIP FRIENDSHIP?
I don't have the next issue, and uh... I might have to find it. This is pretty entertaining.
Cover shows the symbiote smashing out of it's cage. Can a liquid "smash"? BUT WHERE IS EDDIE BROCK?
I see clearsil was still playing on my insecurities back in 1994. Here to restore your social life to it's FORMER! GLORYYYYY!
Venom: Separation Anxiety
"Part 2 of 4: Lost Souls"
Written by Howard Mackie
Penciled by Ron Randall
The symbiote is still in his tank, in "devastating" pain because he's not with Eddie. They have a weird kinda bromance going on, don't they? It screams so loud guards hear it for miles. It starts pressing a tendril to the glass, which beings slowly cracking... uh oh... UH OH oh hold on there's a scene transition.
Eddie's unconscious somewhere, dreaming of his asshole deeds. He wakes up and immediately starts trying to kick some symbiote ass again, but the others subdue him. They broke him out of prison because they want his help understanding their own symbiotes. Wouldn't it have been better to wait for the scientists to finish researching him then...?
Brock's all sad. His symbiote's gone, he can't help them, leave me alone. Hot red/yellow symbiote who still doesn't have a name insists they're decent people, despite the assaults and treason. She looks a lot better with her "mask" retracted, but that might just be because I am totally gay for comic characters not wearing their masks.
RIDDLE TIME! What do you do when you see a fire-breathing, skateboarding, karate-kicking, out-of-control dinosaur coming at you? Uh, call poison control? Radical Rex is apparently the "raddest, baddest fire-breathing T-Rex ever to shred prehistoric pavement" and is out to "save the dinosaur race." I'm not hopeful about that one, friend. God dammit Sonic the Hedgehog, this is your fault.
Then Bullpens Bulletins. That's kind of early in the book, dudes. There's a "match the character to the phrase game," and who the HELL's catchphrase is "What the shock?" or "Argon's Genes?" Though I do love "Don't yield! Back SHIELD!" I don't think I've ever heard Nick Fury say that, but I can totally see him saying that. In the "Now on Sale" box we see that Venom: Separation Anxiety #3 is available as of this moment (weird), and Wolverine #89's synopsis is "Hey, Ghost Rider - quit hogging the road!" I hope this is the issue where Wolverine's driving the speed limit, and Ghost Rider goes around him then cuts in front of him and there's NO COPS around and once again someone breaks the rules and gets ahead without retribution and Wolverine says that is ENOUGH and stabs him right through the scrotum.
Red and yellow girl whose name we STILL DON'T KNOW talks about how they agreed to join the "Life Foundation" and join with alien symbiotes because with a name like that, how could they be evil? Apparently the Life Foundation's plans were "in conflict with our own value systems" (so like, pro-gay marriage conflict or baby-raping conflict?) so they fled. Their symbiotes are still young and immature (and probably freaked to hell and back about not growing up on Zarlon V or wherever the hell symbiotes live), and they need Brock's help to understand them. Um, if you'd have just surrendered to the government guards back there, they could separate you and study the hell out of them, but treason works too.
Brock tells them to go to hell, cold-cocks the bitch, and tries to escape. "Carl" grabs him, and says he's done reasoning with him, and I guess they're going to force him to tutor them? Eddie just laughs at him. This series is really winning me over to Brock, guys.
Back in the facility we left like 9 pages ago, the symbiote's escaped and slaughtered everyone. Dr. Zwerling is still alive, so they medevac him away in a chopper. As you can probably guess, the symbiote is hiding inside the doctor (ewwww) and takes over the chopper. "Coming. Eddie." it thinks. Hm.
The other symbiotes restrain Carl, and tell him to control his other. Are all symbiotes all violent? I thought they were intelligent beings, and generally they go around enslaving planets and stuff. Huh, oh well. Carl "sucks" his symbiote back in; his friends are very encouraging about his breakthrough, but Eddie just keeps making fun of him. Ahahahahahaha faggot. Donna (oh, red and yellow is named Donna) very maturely tells him not to make fun of them, as they're really trying very hard not to kill everybody. I like these guys. Brock calls her a faggot. I like Brock too!
SHAQ-FU AD! But who would pick the non-Shaq characters in a fighting game called Shaq-Fu?
Brock is thrown into a pit, and sees a shadowy figure. He monologues that he has to kill all symbiotes, but it's just Kenny. He tries to get an interview. WHATTA SCOOP.
The symbiotes are fed up, trying to think of some way to make Brock help them. Hey, guys... when he had his costume, he pretty much did crazy homicidal things 24/7, I don't know why he's the expert in teaching you how not to do that.
Kenny's asking Brock all kindsa questions, but he tells him to shut up. He can feel his other coming, and he's getting a crazy person smile. Wuh-oh. He's going to fall right off the wagon!
Soldiers find the downed helicopter, everyone dead. Bummer. See ya next issue!
The letter writers have basically just started writing directly to Venom, bypassing the writers entirely.
MORTAL KOMBAT II!
YOU WILL DIE
YOU WILL DIE
FRIENDSHIP FRIENDSHIP?
I don't have the next issue, and uh... I might have to find it. This is pretty entertaining.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
What I Read: Venom: Separation Anxiety #1
So, you grab "Web of Spider-Man #121" to get the latest chapter of the Clone Saga before it's over, and undoubtedly next to it on the shelf sits the first issue of "Venom: Separation Anxiety." There are FIVE symbiotes (spellcheck doesn't like that word, but that's how it's spelled on the cover) meaning five times the excitement. Also, Eddie Brock has lost his symbiote. Well, that's unfortunate. All the symbiotes have the kind of orca whale Spider-Mask lens eyes; it makes sense for Venom to have those, as he's kind of got a twisted version of Spidey's costume theme going on, but why would it be the same for every symbiote? Maybe it's just a coincidence.
The cover's gimmicky 90s, with raised textures for the characters, as with a globe. They raise Eddie Brock's facial features, so you can feel into his mouth and sunken eye sockets. Y'know, I'm getting a kind of "Aliens" vibe from this cover (the symbiotes' reaching fingers are dead on), and the screaming, sunken face actually really contributes to it. Good show.
Opening the issue we see... that nothing is bigger than GameDay '94 collectible cards, apparently. Oh wait, in the first STORY page we see Eddie (I think), wearing a form-fitting green suit, super science shackled to the wall, with guards pointing guns at "every major organ." He comments that they're actually afraid of him! Can you believe it? Two page spread of them flying him into a science prison, and he comments that "You'd think that Eddie Brock was a dangerous man!" Well, you have killed a few dozen people...
Venom: Separation Anxiety
"Part 1 of 4: Apart"
Written by Howard Mackie
Penciled by Ron Randall (is that not a great name?)
Inked by Sam DeLarosa
Still got an "Aliens" kinda vibe, can't quite place my finger why, but it's definitely not a bad thing. Brock laments that they know he's a killer, but that was before he lost his symbiote in a fight with the Scarlet Spider. Where is it now? It's in a top-secret government lab in upstate New York, ideally far away from Eddie Brock (but I'm not hopeful). The government is interested in studying an alien life form. Yeah, makes sense.
The symbiote forms into an image of Eddie Brock's head, thinking "pain" and "Eddie." Aw, it's actually kinda touching.
OH COOL! Ad for Contra: Hard Corps. MEEDLYMEEDLYMEEDLYMEEDLY AWESOME. Oh, then Sunset Riders again. Lotsa Konami ads this month...
Yeah okay, Brock is in New Mexico, the symbiote is in New York. This is a good plan, guys. GOOD JOB. A doctor's going to see Brock, but it turns out he's a Daily Bugle reporter in disguise who wants to get the scoop on Brock and Venom. I take it back. Eh, he's still essentially locked in a vault with mounted miniguns pointed at him from all sides. Still, hire a new guy to hand out the registration IDs.
Brock is being kept in isolation and nobody is speaking to him, and he finds the silence unbearable. The worst part is the waiting, man, it's spiritually draining. He remarks that he hasn't really been alone since being in the church where Venom found him (oh-kay), and laments about all the people he's killed trying to get to Spider-Man. Yeah, as a guy all worried about protecting "innocents," he sure does kill a lot of policemen and prison guards and such. He wonders what the hell he was thinking, how he's become a monster. Could be wrong, but it might be the alien messing with your brain chemistry. That concept scare anyone else?
In New York, the symbiote seems to feel Eddie's pain and writhes around. Back in New Mexico, they ask to double-check undercover reporter's ID. Wuh-oh! In his rage at realizing what he's become, Brock... holy shit, Brock starts ripping through his thick steel restraints and punching through his cell. The guards make ready to kill him.
Outside, a floozy accosts the sentries. Her clothes start melting, as gooey tendrils take the guards from behind. Hold on, I'm going to go watch some japanese porn.
Okay. Brock's adrenaline rush seems to be wearing off. He realizes that he's a killer, and needs to pay. Catholic guilt, I guess. More guards get suffocated. Eddie thinks that if he continunes trying to escape, one of the guards might put him out of his misery. Then he sees that some of the guards' clothes are melting, and they're actually...
Hold on, outdated video game ad. Top Gear 3000. It actually has a line in the ad copy that just says "Waaagh!" so it's worth buying in my book.
...SYMBIOTES! Just like on the cover! There's a yellow one, a black one, a purple one, a green one, a red AND yellow one. What, no blue? Some have like, spikes, or tendrils, I guess maybe there's not much in the way you can put discerning features. Brock says they're the symbiotes he left for dead at the Life Foundation (who the hell knows?). Have to stop them before too late they're slaughtering everyone. Oh wait, they're hurting, not killing. So just a lot of concussions and lifelong disabilities. Whatta scoop!
One of the intruders begins to lose control over his symbiote and almost slices up a guard. Apparently the reporter's name is "Kenny."
The "Bullpen Bulletins Hyper Page" has a paragraph on the series we're reading RIGHT NOW, and apparently the fate of the suit itself will be "quite astonishing." Can't wait!
The other suits being taking over their hosts, giving them one ring-style THE POWER I CAN DO ANYTHING I WAAAAANT kinda dialogue. Brock finally busts through his cell and starts... holy shit, starts smacking one of the symbiotes around. Guy's got some balls. However, he's subdued and they take him away. Kenny tries to convince them he's his doctor and should come with him (HE CAN'T MISS THIS SCOOP) but they recognize him and just... kidnap him too. Hostage, or something.
The letter's page is called "Eddie's Clubhouse." The writers relay Venom's comments towards the authors of the published letters. Eh, it's kinda amusing. Eddie Hatfield thinks that Venom is the greatest "character/hero/vigilante in the entire Marvel universe, and always will be." VENOM WILL BE COOL FOREVER MAAAAAAAN. Oh sweet, Venom's going to be in the Spider-Man cartoon series!
This was actually not unenjoyable to read. I have issue #2 as well, so let's see what happens with Venom's crazy kids.
The cover's gimmicky 90s, with raised textures for the characters, as with a globe. They raise Eddie Brock's facial features, so you can feel into his mouth and sunken eye sockets. Y'know, I'm getting a kind of "Aliens" vibe from this cover (the symbiotes' reaching fingers are dead on), and the screaming, sunken face actually really contributes to it. Good show.
Opening the issue we see... that nothing is bigger than GameDay '94 collectible cards, apparently. Oh wait, in the first STORY page we see Eddie (I think), wearing a form-fitting green suit, super science shackled to the wall, with guards pointing guns at "every major organ." He comments that they're actually afraid of him! Can you believe it? Two page spread of them flying him into a science prison, and he comments that "You'd think that Eddie Brock was a dangerous man!" Well, you have killed a few dozen people...
Venom: Separation Anxiety
"Part 1 of 4: Apart"
Written by Howard Mackie
Penciled by Ron Randall (is that not a great name?)
Inked by Sam DeLarosa
Still got an "Aliens" kinda vibe, can't quite place my finger why, but it's definitely not a bad thing. Brock laments that they know he's a killer, but that was before he lost his symbiote in a fight with the Scarlet Spider. Where is it now? It's in a top-secret government lab in upstate New York, ideally far away from Eddie Brock (but I'm not hopeful). The government is interested in studying an alien life form. Yeah, makes sense.
The symbiote forms into an image of Eddie Brock's head, thinking "pain" and "Eddie." Aw, it's actually kinda touching.
OH COOL! Ad for Contra: Hard Corps. MEEDLYMEEDLYMEEDLYMEEDLY AWESOME. Oh, then Sunset Riders again. Lotsa Konami ads this month...
Yeah okay, Brock is in New Mexico, the symbiote is in New York. This is a good plan, guys. GOOD JOB. A doctor's going to see Brock, but it turns out he's a Daily Bugle reporter in disguise who wants to get the scoop on Brock and Venom. I take it back. Eh, he's still essentially locked in a vault with mounted miniguns pointed at him from all sides. Still, hire a new guy to hand out the registration IDs.
Brock is being kept in isolation and nobody is speaking to him, and he finds the silence unbearable. The worst part is the waiting, man, it's spiritually draining. He remarks that he hasn't really been alone since being in the church where Venom found him (oh-kay), and laments about all the people he's killed trying to get to Spider-Man. Yeah, as a guy all worried about protecting "innocents," he sure does kill a lot of policemen and prison guards and such. He wonders what the hell he was thinking, how he's become a monster. Could be wrong, but it might be the alien messing with your brain chemistry. That concept scare anyone else?
In New York, the symbiote seems to feel Eddie's pain and writhes around. Back in New Mexico, they ask to double-check undercover reporter's ID. Wuh-oh! In his rage at realizing what he's become, Brock... holy shit, Brock starts ripping through his thick steel restraints and punching through his cell. The guards make ready to kill him.
Outside, a floozy accosts the sentries. Her clothes start melting, as gooey tendrils take the guards from behind. Hold on, I'm going to go watch some japanese porn.
Okay. Brock's adrenaline rush seems to be wearing off. He realizes that he's a killer, and needs to pay. Catholic guilt, I guess. More guards get suffocated. Eddie thinks that if he continunes trying to escape, one of the guards might put him out of his misery. Then he sees that some of the guards' clothes are melting, and they're actually...
Hold on, outdated video game ad. Top Gear 3000. It actually has a line in the ad copy that just says "Waaagh!" so it's worth buying in my book.
...SYMBIOTES! Just like on the cover! There's a yellow one, a black one, a purple one, a green one, a red AND yellow one. What, no blue? Some have like, spikes, or tendrils, I guess maybe there's not much in the way you can put discerning features. Brock says they're the symbiotes he left for dead at the Life Foundation (who the hell knows?). Have to stop them before too late they're slaughtering everyone. Oh wait, they're hurting, not killing. So just a lot of concussions and lifelong disabilities. Whatta scoop!
One of the intruders begins to lose control over his symbiote and almost slices up a guard. Apparently the reporter's name is "Kenny."
The "Bullpen Bulletins Hyper Page" has a paragraph on the series we're reading RIGHT NOW, and apparently the fate of the suit itself will be "quite astonishing." Can't wait!
The other suits being taking over their hosts, giving them one ring-style THE POWER I CAN DO ANYTHING I WAAAAANT kinda dialogue. Brock finally busts through his cell and starts... holy shit, starts smacking one of the symbiotes around. Guy's got some balls. However, he's subdued and they take him away. Kenny tries to convince them he's his doctor and should come with him (HE CAN'T MISS THIS SCOOP) but they recognize him and just... kidnap him too. Hostage, or something.
The letter's page is called "Eddie's Clubhouse." The writers relay Venom's comments towards the authors of the published letters. Eh, it's kinda amusing. Eddie Hatfield thinks that Venom is the greatest "character/hero/vigilante in the entire Marvel universe, and always will be." VENOM WILL BE COOL FOREVER MAAAAAAAN. Oh sweet, Venom's going to be in the Spider-Man cartoon series!
This was actually not unenjoyable to read. I have issue #2 as well, so let's see what happens with Venom's crazy kids.
What I Read: Web of Spider-Man #121
Hey all (Pedro). A week ago I bought a copy of "Batman #700", but unfortunately it had some weird production error that cut the last half inch or so off the bottom of the first and last eight pages. I returned it today, and, as they had no copies to replace it with, they gave me five dollars in store credit and I grabbed some crap out of the back-issue bins. One of those five was:
Web of Spider-Man #121
"Web of Life, Part 3 of 4: THE HUNTING"
Written by Todd Dezago
Breakdowns by Phil Gosier
Lettering by Steve Dutro
Huh, I thought Dezago was an artist, never knew he did any writing. I don't know if he drew this one too, there's no credit for "artist" or "penciller," only "breakdowns," so... probably? Also, remember how every comic in the 90s told you what part of the story you were getting? Good times.
We open with an ad for an Indy Car racing game for the SNES and Genesis. What's the point? Honestly, they really shouldn't have tried until game machines that could render polygons showed up.
In the beginning of the story, a group of thugs is hassling some homeless lady. Why? I don't know, they're assholes, I guess. She gets super angry when they try to steal a picture of her daughter (prime masturbatory material, I'm guessing), so one of them happily punches her in the face.
Then the enigmatic Kaine shows up, although I don't really know how he got the drop on them in an open field. I ain't scanning any pictures, but Kaine is an 8 ft. tall giant wearing a weird form-fitting blue body suit covered in asymmetrical veiny webbing, topped off with a half-length tattered purple cloak and a mask that leaves the top of his head open for his long, flowing hair. Now, I think Kaine lives underground at this point (it's not like he can afford a lease on an apartment), so I'm betting he smells like a sewer. He kills the assholes, and as the homeless lady tries to thank him, he walks away carelessly, stepping on the portrait. Whadda douche.
Then we have the Scarlet Spider swinging around town, desperate to get to Peter Parker's place. Oh, and let me tell you now, Peter Parker does not appear in this issue. Yeah. Anyhow, the Scarlet Spider is Peter Parker's wayward clone; a villain named The Grim Hunter caught his scent, and, as it's identical to Peter's, he's following it to Parker's place. Below, a really careless cabbie turns around to talk to the guy in back and doesn't notice a chick with family and baby carriage clearly using the crosswalk.
And then.... two two-page ads in a row for Konami games. Never played "The Adventures of Batman and Robin," but "Sunset Riders" was pretty fun.
The Scarlet Spider stops the cab with a webline, and the cabbie breathes a sigh of relief, thinking that he would have been dead for sure. Um... you probably would have been okay on this one guy, the mother and baby I was more worried about.
In his mansion, Vladimir Kravinoff, the Grim Hunter, is meditating (naked) under a big ol' portrait of his father, Kraven the Hunter. If I ever buy a mansion, I'm getting giant, ominous portraits of me put in every room, even the bathrooms. His steward is worried that Vladimir is starting to go mad with obsession, but laments that there's nothing he can really do about it. That's a bummer, dude.
Cut to a police station, where a couple of hard-boiled, tough-talking detectives are investigating a serial killer who's recently left the only clue of his career, a partial print. They go to have a discussion with who the print belongs to. And maybe bring a SWAT team or something, eh guys?
The Scarlet Spider is watching over Peter's place, and Kaine is on a higher building watching him. If only he had some kind of... danger sense, that could tell him when he's about to be attacked or something. Kaine doesn't want Ben interfering with plans he has for Peter and Mary Jane, and I'm sure he'll get right to those plans after killing maybe four more muggers, five tops.
Kaine smacks the Scarlet Spider around, who makes a point of saying that his Spider Sense should have gone off and didn't, so fair enough on that one. Kaine talks like they've crossed paths in the past. Ben knocks him around a little, webs his arms to the wall, Kaine gets annoyed and basically just beats the shit out of him and stars strangling him to death. Hey, were those Ren & Stimpy games any good?
In the Bullpen Bulletins box, we get news that Marvel is splitting up it's management into five distinct editorial teams. This didn't go over too well in the long run, because Marvel was being run into bankruptcy by those spoiled, childish investors you see in bad movies. Also, a one-shot team-up of Ghost Rider, Wolverine, and the Punisher. Gotta buy that! Coming next week: In Amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker is poisoned and Mary Jane is pregnant (double bummer), the Keeper reveals the fate of Galactus (spoiler: Galactus lives), and when you're in New York, visit Daredevil. I... okay, I guess you can do that.
Scarlet Spider escapes Kaine's grip and Kaine beats his head in with a large rock. Grim Hunter is breaking into Peter's apartment, and for the third time in the book, Kaine gets the drop on him. Spider-Ben falls unconcious, and it's a miracle he's not dead because Kaine BEAT HIS HEAD IN WITH A ROCK THE SIZE OF A BEACH BALL.
The letters pages sound like they really like a previous issue in which Ben fought Venom. The editors note that if you want more Venom, feel free to pick up Venom: Separation Anxiety #1. Hey, and completely by coincidence, guess what other comic I fished out of the bin?
And now my final thoughts: it's pretty clear they're trying to expand the Spider-line however they can at this point. There are four main, interlocking Spider-books and a quarterly at this point, not counting guest appearances and miniseries. Venom has his own series at this point, and from what I read they were looking to spin-off Spider-Ben and Kaine as well. Kaine's series could have been called "Kaine: Asshole for Justice" or "Kaine: Net Marginal Benefit to Society."
Along with Red Robin, Kaine is the only comic character who primarily inspires hunger.
Web of Spider-Man #121
"Web of Life, Part 3 of 4: THE HUNTING"
Written by Todd Dezago
Breakdowns by Phil Gosier
Lettering by Steve Dutro
Huh, I thought Dezago was an artist, never knew he did any writing. I don't know if he drew this one too, there's no credit for "artist" or "penciller," only "breakdowns," so... probably? Also, remember how every comic in the 90s told you what part of the story you were getting? Good times.
We open with an ad for an Indy Car racing game for the SNES and Genesis. What's the point? Honestly, they really shouldn't have tried until game machines that could render polygons showed up.
In the beginning of the story, a group of thugs is hassling some homeless lady. Why? I don't know, they're assholes, I guess. She gets super angry when they try to steal a picture of her daughter (prime masturbatory material, I'm guessing), so one of them happily punches her in the face.
Then the enigmatic Kaine shows up, although I don't really know how he got the drop on them in an open field. I ain't scanning any pictures, but Kaine is an 8 ft. tall giant wearing a weird form-fitting blue body suit covered in asymmetrical veiny webbing, topped off with a half-length tattered purple cloak and a mask that leaves the top of his head open for his long, flowing hair. Now, I think Kaine lives underground at this point (it's not like he can afford a lease on an apartment), so I'm betting he smells like a sewer. He kills the assholes, and as the homeless lady tries to thank him, he walks away carelessly, stepping on the portrait. Whadda douche.
Then we have the Scarlet Spider swinging around town, desperate to get to Peter Parker's place. Oh, and let me tell you now, Peter Parker does not appear in this issue. Yeah. Anyhow, the Scarlet Spider is Peter Parker's wayward clone; a villain named The Grim Hunter caught his scent, and, as it's identical to Peter's, he's following it to Parker's place. Below, a really careless cabbie turns around to talk to the guy in back and doesn't notice a chick with family and baby carriage clearly using the crosswalk.
And then.... two two-page ads in a row for Konami games. Never played "The Adventures of Batman and Robin," but "Sunset Riders" was pretty fun.
The Scarlet Spider stops the cab with a webline, and the cabbie breathes a sigh of relief, thinking that he would have been dead for sure. Um... you probably would have been okay on this one guy, the mother and baby I was more worried about.
In his mansion, Vladimir Kravinoff, the Grim Hunter, is meditating (naked) under a big ol' portrait of his father, Kraven the Hunter. If I ever buy a mansion, I'm getting giant, ominous portraits of me put in every room, even the bathrooms. His steward is worried that Vladimir is starting to go mad with obsession, but laments that there's nothing he can really do about it. That's a bummer, dude.
Cut to a police station, where a couple of hard-boiled, tough-talking detectives are investigating a serial killer who's recently left the only clue of his career, a partial print. They go to have a discussion with who the print belongs to. And maybe bring a SWAT team or something, eh guys?
The Scarlet Spider is watching over Peter's place, and Kaine is on a higher building watching him. If only he had some kind of... danger sense, that could tell him when he's about to be attacked or something. Kaine doesn't want Ben interfering with plans he has for Peter and Mary Jane, and I'm sure he'll get right to those plans after killing maybe four more muggers, five tops.
Kaine smacks the Scarlet Spider around, who makes a point of saying that his Spider Sense should have gone off and didn't, so fair enough on that one. Kaine talks like they've crossed paths in the past. Ben knocks him around a little, webs his arms to the wall, Kaine gets annoyed and basically just beats the shit out of him and stars strangling him to death. Hey, were those Ren & Stimpy games any good?
In the Bullpen Bulletins box, we get news that Marvel is splitting up it's management into five distinct editorial teams. This didn't go over too well in the long run, because Marvel was being run into bankruptcy by those spoiled, childish investors you see in bad movies. Also, a one-shot team-up of Ghost Rider, Wolverine, and the Punisher. Gotta buy that! Coming next week: In Amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker is poisoned and Mary Jane is pregnant (double bummer), the Keeper reveals the fate of Galactus (spoiler: Galactus lives), and when you're in New York, visit Daredevil. I... okay, I guess you can do that.
Scarlet Spider escapes Kaine's grip and Kaine beats his head in with a large rock. Grim Hunter is breaking into Peter's apartment, and for the third time in the book, Kaine gets the drop on him. Spider-Ben falls unconcious, and it's a miracle he's not dead because Kaine BEAT HIS HEAD IN WITH A ROCK THE SIZE OF A BEACH BALL.
The letters pages sound like they really like a previous issue in which Ben fought Venom. The editors note that if you want more Venom, feel free to pick up Venom: Separation Anxiety #1. Hey, and completely by coincidence, guess what other comic I fished out of the bin?
And now my final thoughts: it's pretty clear they're trying to expand the Spider-line however they can at this point. There are four main, interlocking Spider-books and a quarterly at this point, not counting guest appearances and miniseries. Venom has his own series at this point, and from what I read they were looking to spin-off Spider-Ben and Kaine as well. Kaine's series could have been called "Kaine: Asshole for Justice" or "Kaine: Net Marginal Benefit to Society."
Along with Red Robin, Kaine is the only comic character who primarily inspires hunger.
Friday, July 16, 2010
I HATE "FLASH: REBIRTH"
As Pedro knows, I have been meaning to blog about "Flash: Rebirth" for MONTHS now. But I just! Can't! Do it!
It's just too goddamned mediocre. It's just a deck-clearing exercise. It's like the "previously on" segment of a television series; how do you summarize and make fun of "previously on?" Sure, technically the "story" in "Flash: Rebirth" is a series of new events (consisting, as par for the course for a Geoff Johns comic, of a nostalgic older character thrust into a nostalgic older status quo), but it's nothing more than prelude for a new "Flash" ongoing. That is ALL IT IS. It's just... impossible to mock.
Well, okay... let's give it a shot.
There's a lot wrong with this comic, and I'm thinking it's because, again, they had to shove six or seven plots that would, by themselves, make for satisfying individual storylines into six issues so everything is "cleared up" for the new series. However, even discounting that, and trying to look at the story as a story, you'll find that Geoff Johns already wrote this EXACT SAME STORY.
Y'see, back in the 90s when DC was, while not always providing a quality product, at least moving the universe forward and using their past as a springboard instead of a blueprint, Green Lantern Hal Jordan's city was destroyed, and he went a little nuts. He stole the power of the Green Lantern Corps, killing thousands of fellow guardsmen and snapping his archenemy Sinestro's neck. He then screwed around with time in order to bring everyone he killed back to life and make the universe a better place, maiming and slaughtering all former friends who got in his way and undoubtedly causing countless trillions to never exist, before dying himself. In Geoff Johns' "Green Lantern: Rebirth," it was "revealed" that he had actually been possessed by an ancient fear demon set upon him by a suddenly-alive Sinestro, who had intended to torture Hal and destroy his reputation even among his closest friends.
In "Flash: Rebirth," Barry Allen's possessed by some sort of speed force malady that causes him to kill his fellow speedsters with a touch. It turns out to be the work of the Reverse Flash, now suddenly alive, whose plan is to destroy the Flash's legacy. Newly alive hero is a menace, turns out its the work of his formerly-dead archnemesis, who is also alive. However, with "Flash: Rebirth" all of the menace stuff is shoehorned into three issues, instead of being, you know, the basis of the character for half a decade. And that means the rest of the "story" where the Flashes just get into a big ol' fight with Professor Zoom is further condensed into 3 pages. MULTIPLE times during the series, Barry Allen thinks to himself how he can't really compare his return with Hal's, but you can't say that when you just took the old plot and wrote in Barry's goddamned name!
Speaking of which, when Hal Jordan came back, he brought with him the Green Lantern Corps. GLC might not be your thing, but it's a whole universe of thousands of new characters and concepts and conflicts. With "Flash: Rebirth," the only thing we really get besides the dead character being alive again (and we already got that in "Final Crisis" btw) is more SPEED FORCE EXPLANATIONS.
The "speed force" was a concept invented by Mark Waid when he wrote a much, much, god so much better run of "The Flash" in the 90s. He thought it weird that six or seven disparate characters would basically have the same super speed powers, so he conceived of a speed force, an extradimensional energy that all speedsters tapped into. Sometimes, like, a monster would come out of the speed force or something, but it was more explanatory than the basis of the book. In "Flash: Rebirth" it's the basis of the book. I am not lying when I say that the fourth issue consists almost entirely of three people standing around explaining how the speed force works. Oh, and the villain invents an "evil" speed force and uses it to poison people and change the past and a bunch of other arbitrary crap, so I guess just having stories where like the Flash catches a bunch of bullets and then blows a bunch of thugs away by windmilling his arms really fast just doesn't cut it in our modern world.
Also, apparently when a speedster dies, they're just stuck in the speed force, and if you're willing to run really painfully fast you can get them out. I don't know why they didn't go and get some of the guys who died back in 1997 out of the speed force until this series; sure, it seems dangerous, but superheroes kind of do dangerous stuff to save their friends all the time. It's a good thing most of the Flash's problems can be solved by running. Oh, and who wants to bet all the evil speedsters are in the evil speed force, and in 2 years we'll be reading what's essentially a Flash-version of "Sinestro Corps War"?
Oh, and here's a speed force fun fact. Barry Allen didn't tap into the speed force when he got hit with speed chemicals. He CREATED it. And I know what you're thinking, how the hell does that work when at least two guys standing next to him were tapping into the speed force to fight Nazis in WORLD WAR FRIGGING TWO? Y'see, the speed force, upon creation, extended across time, so I guess as soon as it was created it had always existed. Barry Allen is the "engine" of the speed force; as he runs, it generates the power that all other speedsters tap into (luckily he produced enough excess that speedsters still had powers for a good 35 years after his death). Y'see, when Barry died, the theories were that he either joined with the speed force or ran so fast he turned into energy, went back in time, and became the speed force. This explanation tries to kind of fit both in there, and I find it a bit unsatisfying. It's like one of those test questions where the professor let's you give a strict definition or your own example, and you can't quite think of the definition or articulate a really good example, so you write your hazy definition, semicolon, then your halfhearted example in order to try to grunge up double partial credit.
See, the problem is that A. this isn't fun to read about at all and B. the nature and definition of the speed force has changed roughly three or four times in the last decade and it's never had any kind of interesting, lasting effect on anything. Somehow, it's become less of a background explanation and more something that every Flash comic has to devote 2 or 3 pages to discussing every goddamned issue. I would be happy to see future Flash stories just never mention it at all.
Now, let's move on to the villain's horrible plan. I sincerely say that the man is worse than Dr. Evil, because while he'll force you to endure an overly elaborate and exotic death, at least he doesn't bring you back to life and do it again. That's step one of Professor Zoom's plan here: bring Barry Allen back to life. Why would he do this? He's dead! You're alive! You won! Go kill his family or something, but bringing him back to life so you can continue to torment him? WHAT CAN GO WRONG WITH THIS PLANNNNNN???
So he brings him back to life and creates his evil speed force, which he uses to poison the Flash's good speed force and turn him into a speed leper. His idea is that Barry will kill a few of his family and friends and go down in history as a monster instead of a selfless martyr. However, it's clear to everyone that this is some kind of weird disease, like a side-effect of coming back to life or something. The Reverse Flash isn't turning Barry into a serial killer. When his buddies look back they're going to say "Barry was the greatest guy. What was up with his powers at the end there, that was weird, huh?"
So, after Barry uncovers his monumentally stupid plan (and it is super easy to uncover), Zoom has a sudden rush of oxygen to the brain and goes to kill his family. He starts with Wally West's defenseless, awesome, adorable children. In the notes I took when I was "serious" about doing this in issue-by-issue summary format, here I write "Just kill the kids! JUST KILL THEM!" Instead of doing that, he takes the liberty of fixing their misfiring powers first (oh, the speed force can heal weird speed diseases I guess). That was polite of him. Then all the Flashes have a big, mildly entertaining fight scene with him. Professor Zoom is faster than they are, but I suppose this fight's equivalent would be six dock workers fistfighting with an olympic sprinter, so they're pretty much winning.
That's when Zoom reveals the final part of his multilayered and college-educated plan: go back in time and generally be a prick to Barry. He reveals he's gone back and pushed him down the stairs as a child, or let his dog out so he'd run away, dick stuff like that. Now, I'm no temporal physicist, but... remember all those times Barry only saved the universe by a split-second? Aren't you kind of worried that if you mess with his past, even a little, he'll be a second too late to save the universe? Villains in general don't think that through. Sure, you killed Superman, but what happens when aliens invade tomorrow? You gonna pick up the slack, Lex? Anyhow, he tries to go back in time and kill Barry's loving wife Iris before they get married. This is not a good revenge strategy; if you succeed, he forgets she existed, so he won't really be sad. Hell, maybe he'll meet someone else and be happier? If you want to mess with him, say you already killed his one true soul mate.
In the first issue, it's revealed that Barry's father was convicted of murdering his mother. I know what you're thinking: I'm not the biggest Barry Allen fan, but I think I would have remembered that tidbit coming up somewhere.
"So Barry, how was your childhood?"
"Well, it was going okay until my father murdered my mother."
Y'know? You can't really just slot that in there. But there's an explanation: it was Professor Zoom! He murdered Barry's mother and framed his father, and since he "just now" did it 25 years ago, I guess that means that no PREVIOUS Flash comic would mention it? Hold on, I need to make some flow charts.
I haven't bought a ton of Geoff Johns Flash comics beyond "Rebirth," mostly because the new series is tying into Brightest Day and knowing Johns you'll have to read both to understand what's going on and to HELL with that, but from "Blackest Night: Flash," it seems his family tragedy has become a key part of his history and motivation, because he mentioned it every issue. This is because Barry Allen is a boring character. He's just a standard 60s stoic kinda guy, and apparently the only way to make him an interesting character is to go back in time and change him into a different character. His other defining "personality quirk" throughout the series is a "guilty/not guilty" schtick. Y'see, the Flash doesn't compromise or get into moral gray areas, you are either guilty or you are not guilty. Like, if you commit a murder? You're guilty. So the Flash's motivation is that he protects not guilty people and tries to catch guilty ones. What a stunning new twist on his boring, stoic, standard good guy persona! It also leads to hilarious lines like "You mean the GUILTY have gotten GUILTIER?" The hell does that mean?
Finally, if you love lots of speed, flash, and running puns, then this is the story for you! I could make a whole wall of them, but let me just typify: in one of the issues he says his life FLASHES before his eyes, and in my notes I wrote that this was the worst pun ever. In the flashback, one of his friends jokingly refers to him as (and this is before he got his powers or the Flash, in his modern form, even existed) the SLOWEST MAN ALIVE. Here, in my notes, I wrote "topped it in one page!"
So, that's the "Flash: Rebirth." Y'know, it may be a testament to Geoff Johns' writing that I come out of a story with that many problems thinking that it was just mediocre instead of the worst thing I have ever read.
Let us never speak of it again.
It's just too goddamned mediocre. It's just a deck-clearing exercise. It's like the "previously on" segment of a television series; how do you summarize and make fun of "previously on?" Sure, technically the "story" in "Flash: Rebirth" is a series of new events (consisting, as par for the course for a Geoff Johns comic, of a nostalgic older character thrust into a nostalgic older status quo), but it's nothing more than prelude for a new "Flash" ongoing. That is ALL IT IS. It's just... impossible to mock.
Well, okay... let's give it a shot.
There's a lot wrong with this comic, and I'm thinking it's because, again, they had to shove six or seven plots that would, by themselves, make for satisfying individual storylines into six issues so everything is "cleared up" for the new series. However, even discounting that, and trying to look at the story as a story, you'll find that Geoff Johns already wrote this EXACT SAME STORY.
Y'see, back in the 90s when DC was, while not always providing a quality product, at least moving the universe forward and using their past as a springboard instead of a blueprint, Green Lantern Hal Jordan's city was destroyed, and he went a little nuts. He stole the power of the Green Lantern Corps, killing thousands of fellow guardsmen and snapping his archenemy Sinestro's neck. He then screwed around with time in order to bring everyone he killed back to life and make the universe a better place, maiming and slaughtering all former friends who got in his way and undoubtedly causing countless trillions to never exist, before dying himself. In Geoff Johns' "Green Lantern: Rebirth," it was "revealed" that he had actually been possessed by an ancient fear demon set upon him by a suddenly-alive Sinestro, who had intended to torture Hal and destroy his reputation even among his closest friends.
In "Flash: Rebirth," Barry Allen's possessed by some sort of speed force malady that causes him to kill his fellow speedsters with a touch. It turns out to be the work of the Reverse Flash, now suddenly alive, whose plan is to destroy the Flash's legacy. Newly alive hero is a menace, turns out its the work of his formerly-dead archnemesis, who is also alive. However, with "Flash: Rebirth" all of the menace stuff is shoehorned into three issues, instead of being, you know, the basis of the character for half a decade. And that means the rest of the "story" where the Flashes just get into a big ol' fight with Professor Zoom is further condensed into 3 pages. MULTIPLE times during the series, Barry Allen thinks to himself how he can't really compare his return with Hal's, but you can't say that when you just took the old plot and wrote in Barry's goddamned name!
Speaking of which, when Hal Jordan came back, he brought with him the Green Lantern Corps. GLC might not be your thing, but it's a whole universe of thousands of new characters and concepts and conflicts. With "Flash: Rebirth," the only thing we really get besides the dead character being alive again (and we already got that in "Final Crisis" btw) is more SPEED FORCE EXPLANATIONS.
The "speed force" was a concept invented by Mark Waid when he wrote a much, much, god so much better run of "The Flash" in the 90s. He thought it weird that six or seven disparate characters would basically have the same super speed powers, so he conceived of a speed force, an extradimensional energy that all speedsters tapped into. Sometimes, like, a monster would come out of the speed force or something, but it was more explanatory than the basis of the book. In "Flash: Rebirth" it's the basis of the book. I am not lying when I say that the fourth issue consists almost entirely of three people standing around explaining how the speed force works. Oh, and the villain invents an "evil" speed force and uses it to poison people and change the past and a bunch of other arbitrary crap, so I guess just having stories where like the Flash catches a bunch of bullets and then blows a bunch of thugs away by windmilling his arms really fast just doesn't cut it in our modern world.
Also, apparently when a speedster dies, they're just stuck in the speed force, and if you're willing to run really painfully fast you can get them out. I don't know why they didn't go and get some of the guys who died back in 1997 out of the speed force until this series; sure, it seems dangerous, but superheroes kind of do dangerous stuff to save their friends all the time. It's a good thing most of the Flash's problems can be solved by running. Oh, and who wants to bet all the evil speedsters are in the evil speed force, and in 2 years we'll be reading what's essentially a Flash-version of "Sinestro Corps War"?
Oh, and here's a speed force fun fact. Barry Allen didn't tap into the speed force when he got hit with speed chemicals. He CREATED it. And I know what you're thinking, how the hell does that work when at least two guys standing next to him were tapping into the speed force to fight Nazis in WORLD WAR FRIGGING TWO? Y'see, the speed force, upon creation, extended across time, so I guess as soon as it was created it had always existed. Barry Allen is the "engine" of the speed force; as he runs, it generates the power that all other speedsters tap into (luckily he produced enough excess that speedsters still had powers for a good 35 years after his death). Y'see, when Barry died, the theories were that he either joined with the speed force or ran so fast he turned into energy, went back in time, and became the speed force. This explanation tries to kind of fit both in there, and I find it a bit unsatisfying. It's like one of those test questions where the professor let's you give a strict definition or your own example, and you can't quite think of the definition or articulate a really good example, so you write your hazy definition, semicolon, then your halfhearted example in order to try to grunge up double partial credit.
See, the problem is that A. this isn't fun to read about at all and B. the nature and definition of the speed force has changed roughly three or four times in the last decade and it's never had any kind of interesting, lasting effect on anything. Somehow, it's become less of a background explanation and more something that every Flash comic has to devote 2 or 3 pages to discussing every goddamned issue. I would be happy to see future Flash stories just never mention it at all.
Now, let's move on to the villain's horrible plan. I sincerely say that the man is worse than Dr. Evil, because while he'll force you to endure an overly elaborate and exotic death, at least he doesn't bring you back to life and do it again. That's step one of Professor Zoom's plan here: bring Barry Allen back to life. Why would he do this? He's dead! You're alive! You won! Go kill his family or something, but bringing him back to life so you can continue to torment him? WHAT CAN GO WRONG WITH THIS PLANNNNNN???
So he brings him back to life and creates his evil speed force, which he uses to poison the Flash's good speed force and turn him into a speed leper. His idea is that Barry will kill a few of his family and friends and go down in history as a monster instead of a selfless martyr. However, it's clear to everyone that this is some kind of weird disease, like a side-effect of coming back to life or something. The Reverse Flash isn't turning Barry into a serial killer. When his buddies look back they're going to say "Barry was the greatest guy. What was up with his powers at the end there, that was weird, huh?"
So, after Barry uncovers his monumentally stupid plan (and it is super easy to uncover), Zoom has a sudden rush of oxygen to the brain and goes to kill his family. He starts with Wally West's defenseless, awesome, adorable children. In the notes I took when I was "serious" about doing this in issue-by-issue summary format, here I write "Just kill the kids! JUST KILL THEM!" Instead of doing that, he takes the liberty of fixing their misfiring powers first (oh, the speed force can heal weird speed diseases I guess). That was polite of him. Then all the Flashes have a big, mildly entertaining fight scene with him. Professor Zoom is faster than they are, but I suppose this fight's equivalent would be six dock workers fistfighting with an olympic sprinter, so they're pretty much winning.
That's when Zoom reveals the final part of his multilayered and college-educated plan: go back in time and generally be a prick to Barry. He reveals he's gone back and pushed him down the stairs as a child, or let his dog out so he'd run away, dick stuff like that. Now, I'm no temporal physicist, but... remember all those times Barry only saved the universe by a split-second? Aren't you kind of worried that if you mess with his past, even a little, he'll be a second too late to save the universe? Villains in general don't think that through. Sure, you killed Superman, but what happens when aliens invade tomorrow? You gonna pick up the slack, Lex? Anyhow, he tries to go back in time and kill Barry's loving wife Iris before they get married. This is not a good revenge strategy; if you succeed, he forgets she existed, so he won't really be sad. Hell, maybe he'll meet someone else and be happier? If you want to mess with him, say you already killed his one true soul mate.
In the first issue, it's revealed that Barry's father was convicted of murdering his mother. I know what you're thinking: I'm not the biggest Barry Allen fan, but I think I would have remembered that tidbit coming up somewhere.
"So Barry, how was your childhood?"
"Well, it was going okay until my father murdered my mother."
Y'know? You can't really just slot that in there. But there's an explanation: it was Professor Zoom! He murdered Barry's mother and framed his father, and since he "just now" did it 25 years ago, I guess that means that no PREVIOUS Flash comic would mention it? Hold on, I need to make some flow charts.
I haven't bought a ton of Geoff Johns Flash comics beyond "Rebirth," mostly because the new series is tying into Brightest Day and knowing Johns you'll have to read both to understand what's going on and to HELL with that, but from "Blackest Night: Flash," it seems his family tragedy has become a key part of his history and motivation, because he mentioned it every issue. This is because Barry Allen is a boring character. He's just a standard 60s stoic kinda guy, and apparently the only way to make him an interesting character is to go back in time and change him into a different character. His other defining "personality quirk" throughout the series is a "guilty/not guilty" schtick. Y'see, the Flash doesn't compromise or get into moral gray areas, you are either guilty or you are not guilty. Like, if you commit a murder? You're guilty. So the Flash's motivation is that he protects not guilty people and tries to catch guilty ones. What a stunning new twist on his boring, stoic, standard good guy persona! It also leads to hilarious lines like "You mean the GUILTY have gotten GUILTIER?" The hell does that mean?
Finally, if you love lots of speed, flash, and running puns, then this is the story for you! I could make a whole wall of them, but let me just typify: in one of the issues he says his life FLASHES before his eyes, and in my notes I wrote that this was the worst pun ever. In the flashback, one of his friends jokingly refers to him as (and this is before he got his powers or the Flash, in his modern form, even existed) the SLOWEST MAN ALIVE. Here, in my notes, I wrote "topped it in one page!"
So, that's the "Flash: Rebirth." Y'know, it may be a testament to Geoff Johns' writing that I come out of a story with that many problems thinking that it was just mediocre instead of the worst thing I have ever read.
Let us never speak of it again.
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